Polygyny Questionnaire for Brothers-NEED YOUR HELP!!!

[Niqaabis]

An email I recieve....

Bismillaah Inalhamdulillaah was-Salaatu was-Salaamu 'ala Rasulillaah wa ba'd:

Assalaamu 'Alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakaatuh ya akhwaat. Inshaa'Allaah, I pray that this email reaches you in the best state of eeman and ihsaan striving to be pleasing to Allaah subhaanahu wa ta'aala in the best of manners.

As many of you know I am on a mission!!! The response that I have received to the publishing of my book Polygynous Blessings: Musings of a Muslim Wife has solidified for me that there is a desire and a need within this Ummah for literature about polygyny from a more personal standpoint framed within the shade of Qur'aan and Sunnah. While there is some written material on the topic of polygyny in Islaam from a more personal standpoint, most of this literature is from the voice of Muslimaat, some directly involved in polygyny, some not. In addition, the resounding voice of existing literature on polygyny in Islaam from a personal standpoint seems to be a voice of opposition and Allaah subhanaahu wa ta'ala knows best.

Ya akhwaat, I said I was on a mission and my mission is to bring new voice to polygyny discourse within this Ummah. For even though the voice booming from the mimbar seems to be spewing stories of polygyny-gone-wrong and "SAY NO TO POLYGYNY," I know that this voice is not necessarily representative of ALL polygynous marriages within our Ummah or even MOST polygynous marriages. I know that there are ample examples of successful polygynous marriages within our Ummah even if they are not in the spotlight and I am trying to bring these examples out of the shadows because frankly, we need to hear these stories. We need to hear them not just to sooth our broken hearts, calm our fears, disprove our skepticism, and make us believe in the wisdom behind polygyny being legislated by Allaah subhaanahu wa ta'ala. We need to hear them so that we can get some insight from our brothers and sisters who are making polygyny work and apply this naseehah in our own lives. And of course the best example that we have, first and foremost, is that of Rasulullaah sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam and Ummuhaat Al-Mu'mineen, may Allaah be pleased with them all.

That being said, I am seeking your assistance once again for an anthology project that I am working on. One of these anthologies will be a compilation of the stories of Muslim men who aspire to be, have been, or currently are involved in polygyny. The title that I have selected for this book is To Protect and Maintain: Muslim Men Speak On Their Role as Polygynous Husbands. Inshaa'Allaah, in order to generate submissions I have come up with a questionnaire, with the assistance of my dear sister-friends, wa jazaakum Allaahu khair. I have attached the questionnaire to this email along with the submission guidelines. inshaa'Allaah ya akhwaat, please pass this information along to your husbands, brothers, fathers, anybody that you feel can help in this endeavor. and may Allaah subhaanahu wa ta'ala reward you all for your support of this project. Ameen.

Wa Jazaakum Allaahu khair was-Salaamu 'Alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakaatuh,
Your Sister Fillaah


Questionaire - http://www.an-najwa.com/ProtectandMaintain.doc

Submission Guidelines - http://www.an-najwa.com/poly_expressions.doc



And among His signs is this, that He has created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect."
~The Noble Qur'aan (30:21)~
Polygynous Blessings
Musing of a Muslim Wife


www.lulu.com/ poly_blessings

[Abuz Zubair]

One question that really puzzles me... forget about money, but how do the brothers get the TIME to maintain two wives and kids?! I am having trouble maintaining just one family, and sometimes I think if I didn't marry, I would have so much time in hands, so many things to achieve, so many books to read...

That is not to undermine the importance of marriage in Islam or even polygany, and I think it is good that it is practised, so long as it is practised with maturity and a sense of responsibility ... But this is just a genuine thought... If I ever took a second wife... my life would become meaningless... especially in an age where there is hardly any baraka in time.

['Abd al-Kareem]

Abuz Zubair you speak wisely akhi but don't say "If I ever took a second wife... my life would become meaningless."
I know you mean it from a personal viewpoint, but still it's offensive, because many sahaba and Prophets had multiple wives and their lives were far from meaningless.

I know you didn't mean it that way at all, and you meant it strictly personally etc. but I just think the public is too against polygyny.

Marriage takes up a lot of our time of course, but that's the way Allah intended it. This is human life. Don't you ever feel that people have been going TOO far with all the technology and advancements and in-depth studies? I'm not saying knowledge and advancement is bad...but this stuff takes too much time! We were created to worship Allah! Yes I know 'ibadah isn't restricted to salah only, a lot of things can be 'ibadah. Anyway, just a bit of my ramblings heh.
That's the way I see it anyway. I could be wrong, Allahu a3lam of course.

[Abuz Zubair]

JK for your advice... yes I am talking particularly about myself, and I have nothing against polygony. I am not for it either.

Scholars argue as to which is better, polygony or monogamy, so there is room for disagreement.

When I said my life would be meaningless I mean that I do not think I was created to serve couple of women and a bunch of kids.

I was created to worship Allah by being responsible to not only myself, or my family, but also my community and the Ummah. I was created for revolution. Not just to marry and have kids!

[S1ave0fA11ah]

JK for your advice... yes I am talking particularly about myself, and I have nothing against polygony. I am not for it either.

Scholars argue as to which is better, polygony or monogamy, so there is room for disagreement.

When I said my life would be meaningless I mean that I do not think I was created to serve couple of women and a bunch of kids.

I was created to worship Allah by being responsible to not only myself, or my family, but also my community and the Ummah. I was created for revolution. Not just to marry and have kids!

"I was created for revolution" - can you explain pls?

[gag order]

I was created for revolution.

YOU EXTREMIST MOSLEM !

[Abuz Zubair]

My, O My... Did I open Pandora's box? :D

[S1ave0fA11ah]

My, O My... Did I open Pandora's box? :D

I dunno if you opened Pandors's box - but what did you mean please...?

[Abuz Zubair]

revolution in every sense of the word... spiritual, social, economical, political... etc etc etc... Islam is a revolution in all spheres of human life. A Muslim's role is to bring about that revolution in himself and in the society. In this sense, the revolution I am referring to is simply 'change'.

And no, I am not calling for Marxist revolution before anyone asks :)

[gag order]

i am not against taking a second wife but against taking on another lot of annoying in-laws!

but seriously, i would like to marry again but i know it would break my wife's heart though she pretends not be bothered by it, so i have to forfeit

[Abu Dharr Al Kashmiri]

Asalaam'alaykum wa rahmatullah,

does one have to consult the first wife before marrying again?

[gag order]

consult - yes

seek permission - no

if i'm not mistaken

[Abuz Zubair]

Well technically speaking, he shouldn't even have to consult his wife because it is his business whoever he marries... But this is where I think we should realise that Islam is more than just rights. It is also responsibilities, and especially catering for the feelings of one's espouse... Personally, I don't know how a man can cause pain to his wife and then want to be intimate with her at the same time.

Yes, polygany is hurtful for any woman, anyway, as it as also sometimes a religious necessity for a man, but why do it in the most ugly way?

[Umm]

Well said Abu Zubair Masha'Allah. It's funny, but it's always single brother who are the most vehement callers to polygamy. Most brothers after having married, go off the idea, or at least, it isn't such an urgent concern.

Yes, the wife doesn't need to be consulted, let alone give permission, but I guess we would all want to be notified. It's a shame that very rare brothers do it properly, so the majority of polygamous marraiges end up with a divorce or deprssed wives. It would be amazing if the women of the world today were in favour of this sunnah.

[Abdullah al-Shishani]

a man may not marry a second wife, at all, or without permission of the first wife, if this was stipulated in the contract before marriage of the first wife. Such contract is allowed as far as I know, and it gives our jealous sisters a way to be the only one, or at least to choose the wife yourself. ))

[Umm]

As far as I know that would be an invalid clause, as it is making something haram for a man which Allah has permitted. I can't think of one sister who wouldn't have made it a clause otherwise. Well, maybe 1, out of hundreds of sisters in the UK.
The wife has the choice to ask for a divorce if she finds her situation unbearable, but this should be a last resort, not the 1st thing done out of a mad rage.

[Abu Dharr Al Kashmiri]

[QUOTE=Umm;21775]Well said Abu Zubair Masha'Allah. It's funny, but it's always single brother who are the most vehement callers to polygamy. Most brothers after having married, go off the idea, or at least, it isn't such an urgent concern.[QUOTE]

Yes, very true. The population of women will always be greater than men. Brothers who marry in the west should go to the poorer parts of the world and marry orphaned women, the poor, those displaced by wars and natural disasters etc, do something beneficial for the cause of this ummah, unite with people from other communites inshaa'allah. Real women who have a concern would not see this as a problem inshaa'Allah, the key is being justly with them.

Wa Allahu Aalim

[Abdullah al-Shishani]

As far as I know that would be an invalid clause, as it is making something haram for a man which Allah has permitted. I can't think of one sister who wouldn't have made it a clause otherwise. Well, maybe 1, out of hundreds of sisters in the UK.
The wife has the choice to ask for a divorce if she finds her situation unbearable, but this should be a last resort, not the 1st thing done out of a mad rage.

http://www.islamqa.com/index.php?ref=5983&ln=eng

[Muwahidah]

Assalam alaikum warahmatullah wabarakatu,

Unfortunately, if you look to the reality of second marriages it has become somewhat of a trend, the brother can't even provide or support the first wife yet will move onto the other. WHY????

What i fail to understand is that if you are marrying as you want to do it for the reward then why is it that, that aspect is inscribed in your long-term memory yet the fact that you deal with them justly becomes part of your short-term memory, half of it is just justifications to satisfy their own desires.

I have yet to see a brother who has got more than one wife and is dealing with them justly and equally, don't get me wrong i have nothing against second marriages if you understand the ahkam and carry it out properly, not abuse it.

About the issue of consent, again people look at it quite black and white, the fact that you don't have to seek consent doesn't mean you don't tell your first, as if you fear the initial reaction can you imagine what she would possibly feel when you go ahead and get married and then just break it to her in normal passing conversation, use hikmah brothers you have gone to start a new life with your second wife yet you have shattered your first because i can't see the wife jumping with joy when she is told like that, and to add half of the time she finds out from the next person and not even from the husband. JOKE!!

:confused:

[Umm]

What i fail to understand is that if you are marrying as you want to do it for the reward

Sis, that isn't usually why men re-marry ;)

[gag order]

the fact that it is allowed to have co-wives is sufficient reason to marry another and not becos it is rewarding or a situation neccesitates it.

but as i have said before just becos consent is not required does not mean the first wife shouldnt be consulted about the new arrangment.

out of curiosity, how many of you contributors to this thread are actually married and have kids ?

[Umm]

I am married with children.

[Abu_Zahid]

I personally think that the mass-abandoment of polygamy by the majority of muslims today has had very great and far-reaching consequences.

I think when a brother takes on a second wife, both him AND his first (and even second) wife, can realise CLEARLY that their whole world does not revolve around each other. Consequently all ppl involved can end up becoming much stronger and thus inshaAllah much more able to do things for the sake of Allah, which perhaps they would've held back from beforehand due to their immense attachment to their spouse (i.e. dunya).

If brothers are scared to "hurt" their wives by marrying a second woman, then how would they ever take a step for the sake of Allah which requires even more sacrifice from the wife - moreso than having to share her husband every other day with another one of her sisters in Islam.

Sh Faisal once made a relevant comment. He said that he finds it absolutely ridiculous that brothers come up to him so frequently asking him "Brother, do we need our wife's permission to marry a second?"
In his opinion, this question is absolutely ridiculous and shows the lack of manhood that many muslim men have today, in comparison to the early generations. He backed this up by the fact that "there is no report of any sahaba EVER asking RasoolAllah saw this question", because it was such a ridiculous idea that it never even crossed their minds (the idea of having to seek a wife's permission to practise polygamy).

I have to say that I agree that one of the many reasons why muslims are getting kicked around today is because the majority of the men of this ummah (generally speaking) have lost their manhood - they flop to their wives and thus hold back from taking certain steps for the sake of Allah - just because it would be strongly disagreeable to their wife.

As for all the sisters who have such a huge problem with polygamy - i know its in female nature, as even our beloved mother Ayesha RA was not always happy with this situation - however, i think in today's circumstances sisters need to start looking at their sisters who have been widowed in all the war-torn countries, and imagine themselves in their shoes. I think its ungrateful and spoilt mentality for sisters to whine about having to share their husband - at least they HAVE one, there are COUNTLESS sisters today who are either finding it very difficult to get married, or have been widowed due to war etc.

When we start reaching higher levels of taqwa and imaan again then inshaAllah we'll see more sisters not only being "OK" with polygamy, but rather PROMOTING it, thinking of the huge benefit it could bring these war-widowed sisters for example. Remember that a muslim is not a true believer until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself. I strongly agree with the brother who mentioned that more brothers need to marry sisters from these kind of areas. It would really be a great charity and help prevent so much fitnah.

There are 2 particular ayahs I think we shud all pay great attention to and ponder upon:

64:14 O you who have believed, indeed, among your wives and your children are enemies to you, so beware of them. But if you pardon and overlook and forgive – then indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.
(Tafsir ibn kathir: http://www.tafsir.com/default.asp?sid=64&tid=54043 )

66:1 O Prophet, why do you prohibit [yourself from] what Allah has made lawful for you, seeking the approval of your wives? And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.
(Tafsir ibn kathir: http://www.tafsir.com/default.asp?sid=66&tid=54321 )

Please check the tafsirs of both ayaat inshaAllah.

This whole post is thoughts and advice to my brothers and sisters and foremost to myself.

[Umm Ahmed]

I think when a brother takes on a second wife, both him AND his first (and even second) wife, can realise CLEARLY that their whole world does not revolve around each other. Consequently all ppl involved can end up becoming much stronger and thus inshaAllah much more able to do things for the sake of Allah, which perhaps they would've held back from beforehand due to their immense attachment to their spouse (i.e. dunya).

Barak Allaahu feek for your post Abu Zahid. I know many sisters who are in a polygamus marriage who share your veiw in the above quote , the ones who are sucessful with polygamy, are the ones who changed their attitude towards their spouse and took a step back from what you called "immense attachment" Those that haven't are still weeping after many years, which is not going to change anything and will make her and her childrens life a misery.

[Umm]

Very beneficial post Abu Zaid, barakallaahu feek.

[Abu Dharr Al Kashmiri]

Jazakamullahu khayran, good points mashaa'Allah.

Here is a poem posted on another forum....

Polygamy

Polygamy, hmm tell me my sister, what is the big deal

Your husband, my husband can have up to four wives if Allaah may will.

Explain to him why are you stressing as though all the responsibilities are on you.

Fast Ramadan, guard your salah, obey your husband and do what you do.

We as women are not like the men. We take our husbands to be our best and closest friend

But Allah did not create the men like the women.

Take two, three or four so don't blame him sister if he want more.

Why make haram for him what Allah has made halal.

You deny him of this, then have the courage to stand before him looking all wild.

Polygamy is something that is easier said than done. On the brother's part and on the sister's part.

But don't worry about who he loves more in his heart.

This matter is with Allaah, so strive to please your Lord.

Your destination is the Jannah, this dunya is just room and board.

Sister please don't worry yourself with "what are they doing". You continue to do what you do.

Have your stuff planned out, laid out and be beautified for the time that he spends with you.

Yes I understand polygamy can be very hard on the first wife.

And for some of us it cuts worst than the sharpest knife.

But what about your new co-wife? Who don't know your husband like you do.

So, it has to be scary for her too.

Sure, go ahead explain to her how he like his meat cooked.

And she will share with you her favorite cookbook.

Remember you are striving for the Jannah, not only for the love of this man,

If he is your ultimate goal, then my sister you have the wrong game plan.

This deen is good advice and this is mine to you.

Don't worry about what they are doing,

just handle yours when it's time for him to be with you.

[Abu_Zahid]

Remember you are striving for the Jannah, not only for the love of this man,

If he is your ultimate goal, then my sister you have the wrong game plan.[/I]

JazaakAllahu khayran...that was my favourite part :)

[Abu Dharr Al Kashmiri]

Wa iyyakum, May Allah swt grant you pious wives. Aameen

[Abdullah al-Shishani]

in the arabian peninsula, where there polygamy is probably the highest in the world, it is only 5 % of marriages. Therefore its not something that is very widespread. I know a bro, who got married, but after a few month he already was looking for a second wife, even though his first wife is like a super model. People have different physiology, and Allah knows it and therefore has made it halal, but did not encourage it.

[ibnYaseen]

Brother Abu Zahid made some eye-opening points in his post, subhanAllah it reminds me of the things we hear regarding how the Sahaba (ra) would treat the issue of women, wives and marraige.

As a married brother, one main thing I am learning from reading these posts is in fact something from the female perspective, which is how important it is for the sisters to adopt the correct mentality/beliefs/positions regarding the difference in creations between the man and woman. Allah (swt) has created men and women different, both biologically, emotionally and in the intellect.

The poem posted above highlighted this in a very clear way.

Until now, it hasn't struck me so hard how deficent or weak a sister's belief/understanding must be to put her personal love/desire for her husband over that which is permitted for her husband by Allah (swt), thereby making her husband feel/believe something halaal for him is haraam; no matter how greatly and emotionally it may effect her and hurt her. We are all supposed to be aiming for jannah, pleasing Allah swt, striving hard despite our personal hardships -- only if our aim is firmly fixed on jannah will it be easier to tackle those personal hardships.

[abudurrah]

jazakallah khair for abu zahid for writing something beneficial for both the husband and wife, which was needed in this thread

[Umm Kalthoom]

Bismillah
Asalamo3alaikumwara7matulahiwabarakatuh
A polygamy thread
And you have four pages
Wasalamo3alaikumwara7matulahiwabarakatuh