Comments: Lamentations of a Muslim Wife

[Anonymous]

http://www.islamicawakening.com/viewarticle.php?articleID=275

Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahamat Allahi Wa Barakaatahu,

Mashallah, it was really heart warming to read this sister's open minded, unbiased and courageous comments on the sensitive topic of polygyny in Islam. May Allah SWT grant all of us muslim men and women to follow the true religion and the Sunnah of the Blessed Prophet SAW wholeheartedly and completely. Ameen

[Anonymous]

why do you feel that women must accept so much less than a man has to. how can you expect to bring your children up in a western society seeing others have choices and making decisions and then expect them to marry a man who will treat them no better than a servant to be there only for his needs? surely a*******marriage should be about respect? all that i have read on this subject has opened my eyes to the misery of a lot of women and yet i also know of a western man who married a muslim woman who had been brought up in western society. she had married a muslim man who then divorced her and she then married this western guy. she then spent the next years acting like a muslim man treating her husband with such disrespect and going out with other men yet when he left her she begged him to return saying 'she needed a chance to show him she could be a true wife' and that it was his fault for allowing her freedom???? her true problem is that people from her faith are beginning to wonder why her husbands dont remain with her and she is scared that they will find out she goes out drinking and fornicating! personally i dont understand your faith as it is demeaning to women and gives men the right to act like barbarians!*******

[Anonymous]

oh please give us a break,what a load of rubbish you have wrote freebird,as I am a westener of irish lineage who embraced Islam I can honestly say you are talking through youre hat,I am a man without my wife id be lost ,she is my rock my anchor the one who advises me and comfotrs me and my kids in times of need,truly youre ignorance has upset me,please dont comment next time as it sad to read such rubbish from someone who beleives they have some wisdom,Allah guide you and open youre heart.

[Anonymous]

Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahamat Allahi Wa Barakaatahu:*******I am agee with the sister's assement.******* We as Muslims should always strive to stay in our deen.**************I am the fourth wife of my husband and I care and love the rest of my sisters in marriage.******* We respect each other's differences.******* In*******Islam we are taught to want*******for your Muslim sister or brother what you want for yourself.******* We are not treated as slaves by our husband, we have rights over*******our husband as our husband has rights over us.*******We are respected by our husband, treated fairly and live in peace and harmony as a FAMILY!!!******* To freebird: at least we know who our husband sleeps with not bringing home diseases that kill and destroy family values.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by surayyah dogo</p>Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahamat Allahi Wa Barakaatahu: I am agee with the sister's assement. We as Muslims should always strive to stay in our deen. I am the fourth wife of my husband and I care and love the rest of my sisters in marriage. We respect each other's differences. In Islam we are taught to want for your Muslim sister or brother what you want for yourself. We are not treated as slaves by our husband, we have rights over our husband as our husband has rights over us. We are respected by our husband, treated fairly and live in peace and harmony as a FAMILY!!! To freebird: at least we know who our husband sleeps with not bringing home diseases that kill and destroy family values.


surely surrayah,do u believe the 1st wife truly feels as fairly treated as u? it hurts for the 1st wife but may be she's nothing to do. she has to consider many other things. i wish the husband wud've been as loving. but nay he has to make her "share" him with strangers who become happy at her misery.

[Anonymous]

readr said,(((surely surrayah,do u believe the 1st wife truly feels as fairly treated as u? it hurts for the 1st wife but may be she's nothing to do. she has to consider many other things. i wish the husband wud've been as loving. but nay he has to make her "share" him with strangers who become happy at her misery. ))))I say WoW only a non muslim could think like that you have no understanding of our ways,our culture,our justice etc,this in the same week as sodomites get legal marrige rights while muslim marrige is still not recognised as a legal marrige in U.K?Please lecture someone else, im a westerner living in london 22years(2nd Irish Muslim WWOWW on this post) I love muslims they cheer up this ugly old town,Bye!

[Anonymous]

Salaam, I've read and searched a lot about this subject and my conclusion is this, i hope you will let me share it with you all:</p>



In the time of our beloved prophet saw, woman in general didn't have any value, you could buy and sell them, you could burry them alive when they were little and you could get them through heritage. They didn't have nothing to say, not even who they would marry and not.</p>



In that context you must see the hikma of the coming of our prophet saw. The islam brought the people from the darkness to the light, but it didn't do it overnight, it took time and some other chances had to take more time than the timelife of our prophet, like polygyny and slaverny.</p>



Polygyny was a custom that was practices for centuries before Mohammed saw.******* It didn't have rules or bounderies or restrictions. They could take as many wives as they likes, without limitations.</p>



Allah swt, with his wisdom, wanted to bring the people tot the perfect practice of this deen, but step by step. The people of that time were savages and they had to brought up again with other values and an other belief ofcourse, islam.</p>



Allah swt sais in sourat nisa: ... from you I created your wife (not wives)...</p>



Allah swt has created Adam and Hawa, not Adam and a group of woman.</p>



But He swt, with his wisdom, left polygyny halaal so it can solve some social problems in the society. But the best form of Islamic marriage is one man - one woman. Polygyny is an exception of a rule, not a rule.</p>



Allah swt is Ra7maan wa Al3adl. It's not possible to call Him like that if you believe that polygyny is the 7aqq of a man, like a gift from Allah swt to the man. It's like you say that Allah swt puts the pleasure of a man above the feelings of a woman. NO, it's a practice that is needed when the circumstanses are there, like when there is a ware and there are a lot of weduwes with children (orphanes). Or when a woman falls chronical ill. </p>



Allah swt left polygyny halaal for the protection of woman, not for the pleasure of the man. And it's not a sunnah of our prophet saw. It excisted before he saw was even born and it was a wide practice of the people of his time.*******It's not a sunnah that is recommanded, because there is not one hadieth that says, &quot;o you men, marry more than one woman.&quot;*******He practiced it always with a political or a social reason. And so did the sahaba's and the tabi3ien and the tabi3 tabi3ien. There is not one case that it is about Shahwa of our prophet saw (astaghfirullah) or the people with iman.</p>



The hadith that says that when a man doesn't threat his two wives equal, he will have half of his body paralyzed till he enters the hell. This is such a grave warning, that it can't be recommanded to do. There must be a higher goal, that you can earn Firdaus with, that can make you take that big risk. Surtenly not for your Shahwa! But maybe to help a widow from prostitueng herself so can feed her small children! That is a nobel cose.</p>



If a man says: &quot;I want to marry a second wife, because it is my 7aqq, Allah swt has given me and it's a sunnah of our prophet saw and I want to earn points with that&quot; Then I'd like to see his face on the Day of Resurrecion when he comes to Allah swt and the only reason he can think of is: well, i just wanted some variations in bed!</p>



Cause the most of the men, not all ofcourse, but most of them, it is only for their pleasure, that they hurt their wives with, they don't care.</p>



A lot of them tell their woman: It's my 7aqq, you can't make something haraam when Allah swt made it halaal. You act like that and you are hurting because your imaan is weak!&quot; Soub7hAllah! Why is his imaan not weak when I say, have sabr brother, make the woman you already have happy and when you enter Jannah inshAllah you'll have her and 7our el 3ein. Put some jihad nafsi on yourself then to put it on somebody else!</p>



The rules that there are of how you must deal just between the wives, are the rules so to be just between your present wife and the other wife who was a widow or a elder lady who never married because of circumstances, not a virgin of an early age!! Let those virgins for the virgin man who want to marry!</p>



The other reason that they say that polygyny should be practiced in this time is: well, there are more women then men. That's thrue, there are more women after the age of*******50 years. Between 14 years and 45 years there are the same amount of woman and men. Well, why don't those men who claim to marry a second or third or fourth woman because of the sunnah of our prophet marry the women above 50 years!! NO, they don't want to shelter a woman in need because she is to old??? They claim it's not because of shahwa??? </p>



I believe that Allah swt is Al3adl and Arra7maan. He wouldn't put a woman throught something like that, what is very grave on her, without having her revenge on Yawm Al Qiama. </p>



Every sunnah of our Prophet saw is a recommandation without risk, why has this sunnah such a grave risk??? Think about it.</p>



Salaam</p>

[Anonymous]

well its my first time to hear awoman recomending polygamy.</p>

I have two wives and i must admit its been quite a challenge. but things have settled now. Its very true that these days we look at the west as role models.the west can teach us technological advances but they cannot lecture us on morality and fidelity.</p>

keep up the good work.</p>

[Anonymous]

Which country are you in? I wish my wife would let me have more wives</p>



</p>

Originally Posted by surayyah dogo</p>Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahamat Allahi Wa Barakaatahu:*******I am agee with the sister's assement.******* We as Muslims should always strive to stay in our deen.**************I am the fourth wife of my husband and I care and love the rest of my sisters in marriage.******* We respect each other's differences.******* In*******Islam we are taught to want*******for your Muslim sister or brother what you want for yourself.******* We are not treated as slaves by our husband, we have rights over*******our husband as our husband has rights over us.*******We are respected by our husband, treated fairly and live in peace and harmony as a FAMILY!!!******* To freebird: at least we know who our husband sleeps with not bringing home diseases that kill and destroy family values.

[Anonymous]

i'm the second wife of my husband, too. i have been in plural marriage for 5 years. We live in the same house and respect each other. My sister wife and i love our husband very much and we try to make him happy. So we ovecome problems that we sometime face. Our family*******is happy at least until now. i hope it will be ok in other that we can live together forever.

[Anonymous]

<span class="name"><a name="3451"></a><font size="5">surayyah dogo</font></span>
wow was that a personal dig to me or could you not think of anything else to say? everyone is intitled to give their own opinion or have you not heard of free speech? if a husband is taking more than one wife whilst the others are still living then surely that shows no respect for the first wife? do muslim women agree to this or do they have a choice?******* i find it hard to believe that any women no matter culture religion etc could be happy to share their husband with another. i was*******brought up with strong morals and believe marriage is not to be entered into lightly as it is for life and it is between two people it is a partnership and as such should be equal marriage is not an ownership and as for saying To freebird: at least we know who our husband sleeps with not bringing home diseases that kill and destroy family values. well the husband that only has one wife and wife that only has one husband do not need to worry about diseases and show their family values by being true to each other! it is multiple partners that cause diseases to spread. im sure most men would enjoy the pleasure of having more than one wife but western society dictates that a marriage is between*******two adults*******and if western society rules are not to your liking then why do you stick around? why not stay in a country that dictates muslim rules where im sure you personally will be more happy!*******

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by FREE?</p>

oh please give us a break,what a load of rubbish you have wrote freebird,as I am a westener of irish lineage who embraced Islam I can honestly say you are talking through youre hat,I am a man without my wife id be lost ,she is my rock my anchor the one who advises me and comfotrs me and my kids in times of need,truly youre ignorance has upset me,please dont comment next time as it sad to read such rubbish from someone who beleives they have some wisdom,Allah guide you and open youre heart.******* </p>

if you find it so sad to read my comments then spare yourself the pain and dont read them! you talk of your wife not wives sounds like you have only one so why do my comments affect you so? your comments show you had a choice to become muslim........consider the women with no choice and please dont quote allah guide me as i dont quote from my bible to you </p>

[Anonymous]

As a muslim I agree with Freebird and Guest: this is a beautiful summary on the issue with though behind it not just retoric. Thank you.
Salaam, I've read and searched a lot about this subject and my conclusion is this, i hope you will let me share it with you all:</p>



In the time of our beloved prophet saw, woman in general didn't have any value, you could buy and sell them, you could burry them alive when they were little and you could get them through heritage. They didn't have nothing to say, not even who they would marry and not.</p>



In that context you must see the hikma of the coming of our prophet saw. The islam brought the people from the darkness to the light, but it didn't do it overnight, it took time and some other chances had to take more time than the timelife of our prophet, like polygyny and slaverny.</p>



Polygyny was a custom that was practices for centuries before Mohammed saw. It didn't have rules or bounderies or restrictions. They could take as many wives as they likes, without limitations.</p>



Allah swt, with his wisdom, wanted to bring the people tot the perfect practice of this deen, but step by step. The people of that time were savages and they had to brought up again with other values and an other belief ofcourse, islam.</p>



Allah swt sais in sourat nisa: ... from you I created your wife (not wives)...</p>



Allah swt has created Adam and Hawa, not Adam and a group of woman.</p>



But He swt, with his wisdom, left polygyny halaal so it can solve some social problems in the society. But the best form of Islamic marriage is one man - one woman. Polygyny is an exception of a rule, not a rule.</p>



Allah swt is Ra7maan wa Al3adl. It's not possible to call Him like that if you believe that polygyny is the 7aqq of a man, like a gift from Allah swt to the man. It's like you say that Allah swt puts the pleasure of a man above the feelings of a woman. NO, it's a practice that is needed when the circumstanses are there, like when there is a ware and there are a lot of weduwes with children (orphanes). Or when a woman falls chronical ill. </p>



Allah swt left polygyny halaal for the protection of woman, not for the pleasure of the man. And it's not a sunnah of our prophet saw. It excisted before he saw was even born and it was a wide practice of the people of his time. It's not a sunnah that is recommanded, because there is not one hadieth that says, "o you men, marry more than one woman." He practiced it always with a political or a social reason. And so did the sahaba's and the tabi3ien and the tabi3 tabi3ien. There is not one case that it is about Shahwa of our prophet saw (astaghfirullah) or the people with iman.</p>



The hadith that says that when a man doesn't threat his two wives equal, he will have half of his body paralyzed till he enters the hell. This is such a grave warning, that it can't be recommanded to do. There must be a higher goal, that you can earn Firdaus with, that can make you take that big risk. Surtenly not for your Shahwa! But maybe to help a widow from prostitueng herself so can feed her small children! That is a nobel cose.</p>



If a man says: "I want to marry a second wife, because it is my 7aqq, Allah swt has given me and it's a sunnah of our prophet saw and I want to earn points with that" Then I'd like to see his face on the Day of Resurrecion when he comes to Allah swt and the only reason he can think of is: well, i just wanted some variations in bed!</p>



Cause the most of the men, not all ofcourse, but most of them, it is only for their pleasure, that they hurt their wives with, they don't care.</p>



A lot of them tell their woman: It's my 7aqq, you can't make something haraam when Allah swt made it halaal. You act like that and you are hurting because your imaan is weak!" Soub7hAllah! Why is his imaan not weak when I say, have sabr brother, make the woman you already have happy and when you enter Jannah inshAllah you'll have her and 7our el 3ein. Put some jihad nafsi on yourself then to put it on somebody else!</p>



The rules that there are of how you must deal just between the wives, are the rules so to be just between your present wife and the other wife who was a widow or a elder lady who never married because of circumstances, not a virgin of an early age!! Let those virgins for the virgin man who want to marry!</p>



The other reason that they say that polygyny should be practiced in this time is: well, there are more women then men. That's thrue, there are more women after the age of 50 years. Between 14 years and 45 years there are the same amount of woman and men. Well, why don't those men who claim to marry a second or third or fourth woman because of the sunnah of our prophet marry the women above 50 years!! NO, they don't want to shelter a woman in need because she is to old??? They claim it's not because of shahwa??? </p>



I believe that Allah swt is Al3adl and Arra7maan. He wouldn't put a woman throught something like that, what is very grave on her, without having her revenge on Yawm Al Qiama. </p>



Every sunnah of our Prophet saw is a recommandation without risk, why has this sunnah such a grave risk??? Think about it.</p>



Salaam</p>

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[Unregistered]

my husband wants a second wife and I don't know how to respond. i know that Allah has made it permissable and I shouldn't be angry and hurt but i am. but when i think about it, i guess it is better for me to stay with my husband who is the father of my two children than to divorce him because of his desires which are lawful according to Islam. I should want him to be happy and I should want for my Muslim sister what I want for myself.

[Umm Ahmed]

May Allaah help you sister ameen.

If this is what your husband truly wants then let him go ahead with it , as he may become angry at you not allowing him to go ahead.
You will find it difficult to begin with , but with patience you will find your own path through it all ,and Allaah will indeed reward you for that.
Please join the forums and contact me if you need someone to talk to.

[Nora]

Assalamualaikom Wr Wb

I read the article with disgust actually. I am Muslim and married and was brought up with men in my country marrying 2nd, 3rd and 4th wife for the wrong reasons. Now living in the west, I see the same thing. It disgust me that most of these men claimed it's their rights to marry more than one because Allah swt make it halal. Granted it's halal but the intention of most men marrying more than one wife is just to the sake of lust. Period.

The men may not require the permission of the 1st wife but that does not mean they should go about and marry the other wife in secret. Thus leading the first wife and her kids to find out abt it later. Imagine the trauma and hurt. Is this what we want in our Muslim family? Chaostic family environment and possibility the children developing psychological issues?

I am sorry...but from what I see...the men marry co-wives for the wrong reasons and many that I've seen..ended up divorcing those co-wives.

[gag_order]

Assalamualaikom Wr Wb

I read the article with disgust actually. I am Muslim and married and was brought up with men in my country marrying 2nd, 3rd and 4th wife for the wrong reasons. Now living in the west, I see the same thing. It disgust me that most of these men claimed it's their rights to marry more than one because Allah swt make it halal. Granted it's halal but the intention of most men marrying more than one wife is just to the sake of lust. Period.

The men may not require the permission of the 1st wife but that does not mean they should go about and marry the other wife in secret. Thus leading the first wife and her kids to find out abt it later. Imagine the trauma and hurt. Is this what we want in our Muslim family? Chaostic family environment and possibility the children developing psychological issues?

I am sorry...but from what I see...the men marry co-wives for the wrong reasons and many that I've seen..ended up divorcing those co-wives.
when your man takes a second wife for the right reasons be sure to divorce him for the wrong reasons.....

[Nora]

Assalamualaikom

Insya Allah when my husband do marry another woman ... it is for the right reason (as what my husband and I have discussed before). Whether or not I choose to part ways with my husband over this matter....it's a different matter altogether.

It's Allah's will. If my husband and my intention is right in the begining, that we promised to care for each other and marry each other...for the sake of Allah swt....Insya Allah we will be together in this life till the next....MINUS A CO WIFE.

[Kalthum]

when your man takes a second wife for the right reasons be sure to divorce him for the wrong reasons.....

Salam

I agree with Sis Nora. My husband recently got married to a second wife. He knows I am not agrreable to it and he knows I am not happy abt it. We have 2 children together and I had a miscarriage 3 months b4 he married.

I am sad coz now more than ever, I am in need of his support. But he choose to marry another one, instead of being by my side and helping to get over our loss.

To gag-order, I am at the final stage of my divorce. I don't see any wrong reason for ask for a divorce....It's my choice (not only the man's). I am not happy with my husband and I am not happy with the situation I am at.

[gag_order]

kalthum, it appears he took his 'right' without any care or consideration, yes that was very tactless and insensitive of him, it was the worst possible time to arrange a second marriage when he should have been sharing the grief and mourning the loss together until YOU were ready to move on. perhaps he just couldnt deal with the loss and the trauma you suffered?

please dont take any offence to my earlier comment afterall it was just a counter point to nora who took it in the spirit it was meant.

i pray that allah compensates you for your loss in this world and the next and grants you happiness in place of your sorrow.

[Kalthum]

kalthum, it appears he took his 'right' without any care or consideration, yes that was very tactless and insensitive of him, it was the worst possible time to arrange a second marriage when he should have been sharing the grief and mourning the loss together until YOU were ready to move on. perhaps he just couldnt deal with the loss and the trauma you suffered?

please dont take any offence to my earlier comment afterall it was just a counter point to nora who took it in the spirit it was meant.

i pray that allah compensates you for your loss in this world and the next and grants you happiness in place of your sorrow.

gag_order, thank you for your kind words. I truly appreciate it. My focus now is myself and the children. I will take my time to heal and move on. As for my soon-to-be ex-husband, it is his right to marry another. I am not disptuing this. It's just that I feel betrayed and I cannot handle the stress.

My husband reason for marrying another is he wants someone from his race. He is Arab and I am Asian (born and raised as a good Muslim). We've been married for 10 years. And he had not mentioned abt this desire for someone from his race before.

Sis Nora is a friend of mine. So I can understand her frustrations as she feels for me. The town where we are at now...ther's 2 men who got married to 2nd wives this month. One is my husband (he's 47 and his 2nd wife is 17) and the other man got married while his first wife and children are away to visit her parents in Malaysia. Evryone in the Muslim community knew that the marriage was goign to take place except for this lady.

So you can only imagine the hurt the lady and I feel. Also plus we are facing with lots of accussations from the community of not being capable enough wives...therfore the reason why our husbands choose to marry another.

Anyway, thanks again for your kind words.

[gag order]

it is his right to marry another. I am not disptuing this. It's just that I feel betrayed and I cannot handle the stress.if only he had some wisdom and patience he would have known that a grieving mother is least likely to accept a plural marriage under such highly traumatic circumstances.

We've been married for 10 years. And he had not mentioned abt this desire for someone from his race before.i believe that is his excuse for not coping with the trauma and loss.

Also plus we are facing with lots of accussations from the community of not being capable enough wives...therfore the reason why our husbands choose to marry another.you are not to blame, the community needs to understand how a miscarriage can cause husband and wife to drift apart, so instead of placing the blame on the berieved it is in the spirit of our religion to keep a couple together.

[Unregistered]

salaam sis i am so proud of what you was saying and i totally agree. i am a third wife and although it is a major test i stil believe it is a beautiful way to get to jennah inshallah. i have decided to start up a blog dedicated to pologamy and being a co wife. its jus started so please have sabr with me inshallah *edited*