1mran
30th April 2007, 10:33 AM
Some General Advice To Husbands
Praise be to Allaah, we seek His help and His forgiveness. We seek refuge with Allaah from the evil of our own souls and from our bad deeds. Whomsoever Allaah guides will never be led astray, and whomsoever Allaah leaves astray, no one can guide. I bear witness that there is no god but Allaah, and I bear witness that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger. “O you who believe! Fear Allâh (by doing all that He has ordered and by abstaining from all that He has forbidden) as He should be feared. [Obey Him, be thankful to Him, and remember Him always], and die not except in a state of Islâm (as Muslims) with complete submission to Allâh.” (Aali Imran 3:102) “O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam), and from him (Adam) He created his wife [Hawwa (Eve)], and from them both He created many men and women and fear Allâh through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship. Surely, Allâh is Ever an All*Watcher over you.” (An-Nisa 4:1) “O you who believe! Keep your duty to Allâh and fear Him, and speak (always) the truth.” (Al-Ahzab 33:70)
I Pray this reaches you in the best of Health and Amaan.
Last Week, my Sikh neighbour came to speak to me about Islam. He had a party the night before and saw some things that confused him (he saw a old divorced women who has a younger man as a boyfriend) and he wanted to talk to someone about it.
Anyway so he came over and I explained to him what islam says about this. And I explained to him the process of marriage (ie meeting the sisters, asking for her hand through the wali, the mahr, the two witness, the nikkah, walima, etc)
And He told me a story that really got me thinking. He said, “I had a cousin in India who was in that same situation [we were talking about how guys do what they like with girls in this country (especially during university) and then go to foreign countries (normally back home) to get a “fresh” sister] and a guy from UK came to marry her [in India] and everything was fine, she was happy, he was happy, but when they came to UK to do the marriage, he completely changed. It seemed like his true colours had come out and his family were extremely disappointed at him! But she did not listen to us and she said she doesn’t see anything wrong, and they proceeded to get married. A month later, she called her mum and went back to India. She was very stressed and upset. He had being abusing her and turned her into a slave. Her inlaws he made life hell for her. …”
One might say that this only happens in Sikh or non muslim families, but unfortunately this is NOT true. We have many brothers who pretend to be all good and pious before marrying the sister, they even lie about there family or future plans and once she is married to him, they open the doors of hell on her.
The Problem we have with sisters is that they don’t realise that Allah has made them more sensitive than men! And she is more vulnerable, physically and emotionally, and this is why She is only allowed to get married with her Wali (guardian) present. Ie he is supposed to make sure the brother is infact good. Because you should realise that love can be blinding, and sometimes a sister is so taken by a brother, she over looks his faults (which isn’t always bad) and sometimes they forget to look for the essentials in him, and once they are married, she realises the mistake she has made.
Sisters need to understand that brothers have hard hearts, this is why the Mahr is obligatory on them, otherwise some men would not give their wife a gift.
“And give to the women (whom you marry) their Mahr (obligatory bridal money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) with a good heart, but if they, of their own good pleasure, remit any part of it to you, take it, and enjoy it without fear of any harm (as Allâh has made it lawful).” (An-Nisa 4:4)
As for you so called pious brothers, I want you to advise you to wake up and understand that your wives are your responsibilties, subhanAllah if children are considered to be a gift from Allah, what would your wife be?
Yes I know I am not married, so what could I possibly know? Well Alhamdulilah, we have the Quran and Sunnah to help us! And when we want to know how to be perfect partners to our spouses, who do we turn to? Allah and what does Allah say? Obey the Messenger and Use him as an example.
“Indeed in the Messenger of Allâh (Muhammad SAW) you have a good example to follow for him who hopes in (the Meeting with) Allâh and the Last Day and remembers Allâh much.” (Al-Ahzab 33:21)
“Say (O Muhammad SAW): "Obey Allâh and the Messenger (Muhammad SAW)." But if they turn away, then Allâh does not like the disbelievers.” (Aali Imran 3:32)
Hence I have taken afew random hadith and Ayats from the quran and Tried to show you how we should learn to treat our spouses.
All the hadith are taken from Sahih Bukhari and Sahih Muslim, and if I have added any extra ones, they have all been classified as sahih insha’Allah. You can refer to books of hadith for more beautiful Hadith.
This is in no way a comprehensive list. If anything, it would have taken many more hadith (probably enough to fill a book) to cover such an important topic. But ive touched on afew issues, hopping that insha’Allah the brothers understand how we should learn and derive lessons from these hadith and how we should treat our wives in the True Islamic Manner!
May Allah Forgive me for my Errors and mistakes. Ameen
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Some General Advice To Husbands
1.) Haya
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Faith (Belief) consists of more than sixty branches (i.e. parts). And Haya (This term "Haya" covers a large number of concepts which are to be taken together; amongst them are self respect, modesty, bashfulness, and scruple, etc.) is a part of faith." [Sahih Bukhari Volume 1, Book 2, Number 8]
This hadith shows us that We should Always have “Haya”. Some brothers assume that this refers to sisters only, but this is a big mistake! There are many hadith to prove that haya is also for men!
Narrated Abu Mas'ud: The Prophet said, 'One of the sayings of the early Prophets which the people have got is: If you don't feel ashamed do whatever you like." (See Hadith No 690, 691, Vol 4) [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 141]
So when you are on the streets, you should have the sense of shame and dress modestly! (with the correct male hijaab – which is the same as the female hijaab, except men only need to cover from navel to knees – and Allah knows best) And if you see a sister avoid looking at her and lower you gaze!, sometimes its seems like the “first glance” seems to take a very long time! I.e. stop staring at her! And don’t make it a habit to go and greet her! It’s Unfortunate that brothers hardly great each other, but sometimes they will do what they have to (even if it requires crossing the road) to great a sister!!
When asked about greeting women, Shaikh Muhammad Naasir ad-Deen al-Albaanee (may Allah have mercy on him) said, “…And with regard to this question - we find that the Salaf had not used to greet the women whom they came across. And this is also to prevent fitnah…” [Jami'at Ihyaa' Mihaaj Al-Sunnah]
What I was concerned with is the behaviour of brothers AFTER marriage. It seems like they believe as soon as they marry the sister, they don’t have to dress modestly, act respectfully, have a sense of shame, etc with the Wife! This is strange, because the brother will expect the sister to always be dressed well and be “beautified” for him! This is fine because it’s from the Sunnah and increases love between each other. But it should works BOTH ways! The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) always had a sense of haya with his wives. He would respect them and love them and understand there needs. Insha’Allah I will discuss this in detail as we move on.
Narrated Abu Said Al-Khudri: The Prophet was more shy than a virgin in her separate room. And if he saw a thing which he disliked, we would recognize that (feeling) in his face. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 124]
2.) “Wife Beater”
Narrated Abu Musa: Some people asked Allah's Apostle, "Whose Islam is the best? i.e. (Who is a very good Muslim)?" He replied, "One who avoids harming the Muslims with his tongue and hands." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 2, Number 10]
Subhan’Allah, this is a very sad problem in our Ummah, especially in the UK. It seems like some brothers open the Qur’an and Read, “… (and last) beat them …” (An-Nisa 4:34) and started beating up their wives!
Its amazing how many people hardly read the FULL verse:
“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allâh has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allâh and to their husbands), and guard in the husband's absence what Allâh orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband's property, etc.). As to those women on whose part you see ill*conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allâh is Ever Most High, Most Great.” (An-Nisa 4:34)
So you should tell them off , if that doesn’t work, stay away from them for awhile. Don’t share the same bed. The wisdom behind this is that anger is like fire in the human body, and insha’Allah after awhile, the fire will die down and you will remember why you married the sister in the first place – and Allah knows best.
Now if none if this works, you should hit her. But you should NOT hit the face, break any bones, leave any marks, etc. it should be a light beating. You could say it’s similar to the pat on the back you would give someone who is choking [because of something in the throat]. But unfortunately ignorant brothers have even left sisters with permanent injures and this is great evil from their part. They should fear Allah in what they will do, because if the sister does not forgive the brother, he will end up getting more than just a beating on the day of Judgement! Insha’Allah
So why do we work so hard to make our Muslims friends Love us and even our non Muslim friends? Yet we are quick to quarrel with our spouses and resort to violence?
[b]3.) Don’t Abuse Her
Narrated Abu Musa: Some people asked Allah's Apostle, "Whose Islam is the best? i.e. (Who is a very good Muslim)?" He replied, "One who avoids harming the Muslims with his tongue and hands." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 2, Number 10]
Narrated 'Abdullah: The Prophet said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (an evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)….” [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 2, Number 46]
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "Anybody who believes in Allah and the Last Day should not harm his neighbor, and anybody who believes in Allah and the Last Day should entertain his guest generously and anybody who believes in Allah and the Last Day should talk what is good or keep quiet. (i.e. abstain from all kinds of evil and dirty talk). [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 47]
Narrated Anas: I served the Prophet for ten years, and he never said to me, "Uf" (a minor harsh word denoting impatience) and never blamed me by saying, "Why did you do so or why didn't you do so?" [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 64]
Bothers don’t swear at your wives. No matter what she has done or does to you, you should never say any ill words to her. Remember, she is your wife! Not some stranger. Infact, would you go around swearing at people? Especially your friends?? No! We put effort to be nice to out friends, so why don’t we put effort to be good to our wives?
Remember, what comes out of your mouth might just be just words according to you, but to her, it will be like an arrow in the heart. Words can “make” and “break” relationships. So Fear Allah and choose your worlds wisely. Speak Well to Her, otherwise Don’t say anything at All!
4.) Love Her
“It is He Who has created you from a single person (Adam), and (then) He has created from him his wife [Hawwa (Eve)], in order that he might enjoy the pleasure of living with her. When he had sexual relation with her, she became pregnant and she carried it about lightly. Then when it became heavy, they both invoked Allâh, their Lord (saying): "If You give us a Sâlih (good in every aspect) child, we shall indeed be among the grateful." (Al-A'raf 7:189)
Narrated Anas: The Prophet said, "None of you will have faith till he wishes for his (Muslim) brother what he likes for himself." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 2, Number 12]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle said, "By Him in Whose Hands my life is, none of you will have faith till he loves me more than his father and his children." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 2, Number 13]
Narrated Anas: The Prophet said, "Whoever possesses the following three qualities will have the sweetness (delight) of faith: 1. The one to whom Allah and His Apostle becomes dearer than anything else. 2. Who loves a person and he loves him only for Allah's sake. 3. Who hates to revert to Atheism (disbelief) as he hates to be thrown into the fire." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 2, Number 15]
Every Muslim is supposed to Love their Muslim Brothers and sisters. This is clear. We are all Slaves of Allah and the Children of Adam. Allah has not created us to fight with each other, but to help each other in worshipping Allah.
So Love you wife, and Lover her for the Sake of Allah! What do I mean by love? Insha’Allah Love covers a broad amount of concepts, which I will try mention below, Insha’Allah
5.) Making Time For Her
Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Amr bin Al-'As: Allah's Apostle said, "O 'Abdullah! Have I not been formed that you fast all the day and stand in prayer all night?" I said, "Yes, O Allah's Apostle!" He said, "Do not do that! Observe the fast sometimes and also leave them (the fast) at other times; stand up for the prayer at night and also sleep at night. Your body has a right over you, your eyes have a right over you and your wife has a right over you." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 127]
Narrated Anas: The Prophet I used to go round (have sexual relations with) all his wives in one night, and he had nine wives. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 6]
Narrated Al-Aswad bin Yazid: I asked 'Aisha "What did the Prophet use to do at home?" She said, "He used to work for his family, and when he heard the Adhan (call for the prayer), he would go out." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 64, Number 276]
How many Brothers will plan for football matches or meeting friends, weeks in advance? But when it comes to there wives, she has taken the place of a slave. All she does is cook, clean and satisfy your needs, but when you are done with her, you run off to your friends!! The Messenger of Allah Always made time for each of his wives, yet brothers can’t even make time for one! She is NOT your property! She is your blessing of this Dunya! She is someone you are supposed to take care of, love and spend time with. No matter how righteous you are, even the messenger of Allah made time for his wives, so don’t use the “worship of Allah” as excuse, because remember, the Messenger of Allah worshipped more than you did! So don’t go against his Sunnah and follow his example!
6.) Remember Why You Married Her
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 27]
Brothers don’t ever look at your wives with disgust! YOU are the one who Married her! YOU are the one who took up the responsibility! She has put her trust in you and the worst thing you can ever do is start hating her! IF Shaytan puts this disease in your heart, think back to when you married her, and remember why you married her! Remember why she is the one that caught your eye, and stole your heart and remember the promises you made to her!
7.) Money Doesn’t Buy Love
Narrated Sahl: A man passed by Allah's Apostle and Allah s Apostle asked (his companions) "What do you say about this (man)?" They replied "If he asks for a lady's hand, he ought to be given her in marriage; and if he intercedes (for someone) his intercessor should be accepted; and if he speaks, he should be listened to." Allah's Apostle kept silent, and then a man from among the poor Muslims passed by, an Allah's Apostle asked (them) "What do you say about this man?" They replied, "If he asks for a lady's hand in marriage he does not deserve to be married, and he intercedes (for someone), his intercession should not be accepted; And if he speaks, he should not be listened to.' Allah's Apostle said, "This poor man is better than so many of the first as filling the earth.' [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 28]
The worst Excuse I have herd brothers make is, “brother I am too busy to make time for my wife, but you see, I am working hard for our future”. SubhanAllah, If she was so worried about that, she would have marriage a rich man! She did not marry you for your money! She married you for your piety. Its true that your intentions are good, but regardless, She needs you now and in the future, so why you abandoning her now and focusing on the future? How can you even say that you will live to see her tomorrow? Marriage is more than just about money! It’s about commitment and responsibility to your wife! You have to make time for her, and Subhan’Allah Brother, to her, that time you spend with her is more precious than any diamonds or jewellery! If you wife is sincere to you, she will love you no matter what your financial situation. So my point is, work hard, but make time for your family. Remember that all that you will earn (your provisions of this Dunya) has already been written, so do your best and leave the rest to Allah, but never abandon your wife. Because remember, the youth years are the best ones! This is one of the reasons why the messenger of Allah said to marry young. And Allah knows best
8.) Respect Her Privacy
“O you who believe! Avoid much suspicions, indeed some suspicions are sins. And spy not, neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it (so hate backbiting). And fear Allâh. Verily, Allâh is the One Who accepts repentance, Most Merciful.” (Al-Hujurat 49:12)
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Beware of suspicion (about others), as suspicion is the falsest talk, and do not spy upon each other, and do not listen to the evil talk of the people about others' affairs, and do not have enmity with one another, but be brothers. And none should ask for the hand of a girl who is already engaged to his (Muslim) brother, but one should wait till the first suitor marries her or leaves her." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 74]
Brothers no matter how close you are to your wife, no matter how much you love her and no matter what you have done for her, she will always need some time alone, to herself, it could be for worship, or any other halal reason. And you must respect that. Give her, her space and don’t stick your nose into her business! If she has Muslim sisters coming over, don’t start ease dropping or spying on them. If you wife works for an Islamic society or organisation don’t think ill of her and accuse her of things she would never do! Always think positive about your wife and give her, her space.
9.) Caring For Her
“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.” (Ar-Rum 30:21)
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not hurt (trouble) his neighbor. And I advise you to take care of the women, for they are created from a rib and the most crooked portion of the rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten it, it will break, and if you leave it, it will remain crooked, so I urge you to take care of the women." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 114]
Most brothers don’t understand this hadith. Let me try explaining it to you in your language. Ok lets say someone give you a Ferrari, which is a bit old and he tells you that don’t change anything, otherwise it wont work, but also don’t leave it alone, give it a proper maintenance, would that make sense to you now? NO I’m not comparing women to cars, the point I’m trying to make is remember that you have married your wife for who she is, and your responsibility is not to change her or leave her alone completely! Instead you should spend time with her and take care of her needs! If she is ill, you should be there to take care of her, if she is hungry, would it be so hard for you to make her some food? If she needs to talk, don’t tell her to call so and so, be there for her and listen!
Allah has created you for her and her for you! You are ment for each other! You complete each other, so do your part and be a Man! Take care of your wife!
10.) Talk To Her
Narrated Ibn 'Umar: During the lifetime of the Prophet we used to avoid chatting leisurely and freely with our wives lest some Divine inspiration might be revealed concerning us. But when the Prophet had died, we started chatting leisurely and freely (with them). [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 115]
Why do brothers LOVE to “flirt” with sisters, yet once you are married, the conversation dies? This is when you should be talking! Sisters love to talk and often need someone to talk to! And you should be there to listen to her and advise her! We have so many beautiful ahadith where the messenger of Allah is talking to his wives, and sometimes they are telling him stories and he (peace be upon him) sits and listens to them!
No matter how much hard work you did during the day, you Must make it a habit to come home early and spend time and talk to your wife. She is your companion; she should be your best friend!
11.) Protect Her
“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allâh has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allâh and to their husbands), and guard in the husband's absence what Allâh orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband's property, etc.). As to those women on whose part you see ill*conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allâh is Ever Most High, Most Great.” (An-Nisa 4:34)
Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar: The Prophet said, "Everyone of you is a guardian and everyone of you is responsible (for his wards). A ruler is a guardian and is responsible(for his subjects); a man is a guardian of his family and responsible (for them); a wife is a guardian of her husband's house and she is responsible (for it), a slave is a guardian of his master's property and is responsible (for that). Beware! All of you are guardians and are responsible (for your wards)." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 116]
Imaam Ahmad and Ibn Hibbaan reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever is killed defending his property is a shaheed (martyr), whoever is killed defending himself is a shaheed, whoever is killed defending his religion is a shaheed, and whoever is killed defending his family is a shaheed.” In the commentary on this hadeeth it says: “whoever is killed defending his family is a shaheed” refers to the one who defends the honour of his wife and female relatives.
She is your responsibility. The day you went and asked her Wali (guardian) for her hand, is the day you decided you would take up the responsibility of taking care of her. She is more valuable than anything in this world, and you should be willing do die to protect her. She is your honour and any man who dies protecting his family is no doubt a Shaheed! Insha’Allah
Akhi (brother) you have not been made stronger than your wife expect for one reason, ie to protect her! So fear Allah and become her shield! If she wishes to go out somewhere, go with her, even if you don’t want to. Make sure you are with her as much as she likes and make sure you put her above anything else in this Dunya. Of course in terms of Ibadah (worship), Allah always comes above creation!
You are responsible for her, and Fear Allah in your duties because the day with come when you will be asked about those who you were supposed to take care of!
Protection is not only physical, but mental! Don’t allow people to abuse her or backbite about her. How many times have we seen the wife being abused by her in-laws? Akhi if you can’t protect her form your own family, than you made a mistake by marrying her! She does not deserve anything, but to be happy, and you are responsible for that. Yes ultimately Everything is from Allah, but He says in the Quran that we are PROTECTORS AND MAINTAINERS!
12.) Entertain Her
Narrated 'Ursa: Aisha said, "While the Ethiopians were playing with their small spears, Allah's Apostle screened me behind him and I watched (that display) and kept on watching till I left on my own." So you may estimate of what age a little girl may listen to amusement. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 118]
You wife is human, and as much as you love to be entertained, so does she! Don’t leave her locked up in the house, take her on holiday take her to see the world so that you can both reflect on the wonders of Allah, take her of Hajj and Ummrah. So many times wives complain that there husband doesn’t take them places. But who do you do this brother? Surely you would wish to spend as much time as you can with your wife?
14.) Praise Her
Narrated 'Aisha: I never felt so jealous of any wife of Allah's Apostle as I did of Khadija because Allah's Apostle used to remember and praise her too often and because it was revealed to Allah's Apostle that he should give her (Khadija) the glad tidings of her having a palace of Qasab in Paradise . [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 156]
She does so much for you; She loves you more than you could ever love her and she cares about you more than you can imagine, yet how many times have you ever shown you appreciate her? How many times have you told her how beautiful she looks, how much you like everything else she has done for you?
Please note: We should excessively praise people either. Narrated Abu Musa: The Prophet heard a man praising another man and he was exaggerating in his praise. The Prophet said (to him). "You have destroyed (or cut) the back of the man." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 86]
15.) Let Her Go To The Mosque
Narrated Salim's father: The Prophet said, "If the wife of anyone of you asks permission to go to the mosque, he should not forbid her." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 165]
Many Brothers, especially Asians, do not let their wives go to the mosque. Subhan’Allah, how can you do this? How can you allow your parents or your family to stop your wife from praying in the mosque? Especially in Ramadan? I don’t understand what can of families these are! Yet they are so common!
You should understand, the reason the hadith is there is to show how much respect the wife should have for her husband, i.e. she should ask him before she goes to the mosque, but that doesn’t mean he should abuse that power! This is something from Allah, So Fear Allah and not only let her go to the mosque, but Subhan’Allah, go with her!
16.) Spend On Her
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "The best alms is that which you give when you are rich, and you should start first to support your dependants." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 64, Number 269]
Thauban reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: The most excellent dinar is one that a person spends on his family, and the dinar which he spends on his animal in Allah's path, and the dinar he spends on his companions in Allah's path. Abu Qilaba (one of the narrators) said: He (the narrator) started with family, and then Abu Qilaba said: Who is the person with greater reward than a person who spends on young members of his family (and thus) preserves (saves them from want) (and by virtue of which) Allah brings profit for them and makes them rich. [Sahih Muslim, Book 005, Number 2180]
Don’t be miser and spend your wealth on her! Why do you earn money? is it not to spend on those who you are responsible for? Remember, every time you say “No” to your wife when she asks for money, you are missing a reward (of Charity).
18.) Don’t Break Your Family Ties
Narrated Jubair bin Mut'im: That he heard the Prophet saying, "The person who severs the bond of kinship will not enter Paradise." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 13]
Akhi don’t break families because of her! But don’t make her break family ties either! How can you forbid her from seeing her own family? Fear Allah and remember that marriage is supposed to also brings families closer to each other. The evidence of this is the Marriage of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) to Aysha (Abu Bakr’s Daughter) and Hafsa ( Umar’s Daughter), etc May Allah be pleased with them all
19.) Be Merciful and Tolerant To Her
Narrated Jarir bin 'Abdullah: The Prophet said, "He who is not merciful to others, will not be treated mercifully. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 42]
Narrated Anas bin Malik: Allah's Apostle said, "Do not hate one another, and do not be jealous of one another, and do not desert each other, and O, Allah's worshipers! Be brothers. Lo! It is not permissible for any Muslim to desert (not talk to) his brother (Muslim) for more than three days." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 91]
Why is it that when your friends make mistakes, you are quick to forgive and be kind to them, but if your wife makes the smallest mistake, you make it into the biggest issue! Subhan’Allah, Akh,i she is only human! Can you honestly say you don’t make errors! You should be forgiving and merciful to her. This is the True meaning of Love! For if you did really Love her, it would show in your actions towards her! Look at the Messenger of Allah, he loved his wives so much and even though at times they would upset him, he would never shout at them, because he understood, it’s the nature of the women to be more sensitive. She is like a Rose, and every time you shout at her or hit her, she loses a petal. Until eventually she will feel dead inside.
20.) Have Good Manners
Narrated Masruq: We were sitting with 'Abdullah bin 'Amr who was narrating to us (Hadith): He said, "Allah's Apostle was neither a Fahish nor a Mutafahhish, and he used to say, 'The best among you are the best in character (having good manners)."' [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 61]
Narrated Anas: Allah's Apostle I said, "I have told you repeatedly to (use) the Siwak. (The Prophet put emphasis on the use of the Siwak.) [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 2, Book 13, Number 13]
Keep yourself clean, brush your teeth, always make sure you smell good, etc for you wife. And develop manners on the dinner table, in the house, with your wife, etc
21.) Do Not Betray Her Trust
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Beware of suspicion, for suspicion is the worst of false tales; and do not look for the others' faults and do not spy, and do not be jealous of one another, and do not desert (cut your relation with) one another, and do not hate one another; and O Allah's worshipers! Be brothers (as Allah has ordered you!") [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 90]
Don’t break her promises or Tell others her secrets. Fear Allah and remember her feelings are at stake! So don’t break her heart, because once you do, it will take a long time to heal… if it ever does!
22.) Do Not Expose Her Sins
Abu Sa'id al-Khudri (Allah he pleased with him) reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upoin him) said: The most wicked among the people in the eye of Allah on the Day of judgment is the men who goes to his wife and she comes to him, and then he divulges her secret. [Sahih Bukhari, Book 008, Number 3369]
Narrated Abu Huraira: I heard Allah's Apostle saying. "All the sins of my followers will be forgiven except those of the Mujahirin (those who commit a sin openly or disclose their sins to the people). An example of such disclosure is that a person commits a sin at night and though Allah screens it from the public, then he comes in the morning, and says, 'O so-and-so, I did such-and-such (evil) deed yesterday,' though he spent his night screened by his Lord (none knowing about his sin) and in the morning he removes Allah's screen from himself." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 95]
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) as saying: The servant (whose fault) Allah conceals in this world, Allah would also conceal (his faults) on the Day of Resurrection. [Sahih Muslim, Book 032, Number 6266]
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) as saying: The servant (who conceals) the faults of others in this world, Allah would conceal his faults on the Day of Resurrection [Sahih Muslim, Book 032, Number 6267]
Abu ‘Ubaidah ibn Abdullah reported that Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said:- “One who repents from sin is like one without sin.” [Sahih Sunan Ibn Maajah, vol. 2, no. 3427, authenticated by Al-albaani]
Brother, if she commits a sin, Why do you have to tell the whole world? She is only human! She makes errors and Allah is Most Merciful. But why do you have to expose her sins?
And another point to note, if she may have committed sins in her past, but has repented, then Why do you still ask her about it? Why? Are you marrying her past? Or who she is now?
Fear Allah and protect the honour of your wife akhi!
23.) Smile At Her
Narrated 'Aisha: I never saw the Prophet laughing to an extent that one could see his palate, but he always used to smile only. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 114]
Smile at her, brother, she should be your source of Happiness and peace. She is a blessing from Allah!
24.) Do Not Become A Hypocrite
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "The signs of a hypocrite are three: Whenever he speaks, he tells a lie; and whenever he promises, he breaks his promise; and whenever he is entrusted, he betrays (proves to be dishonest)". [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 117]
25.) Don’t Lie To Her
Narrated Samura bin Jundub: The Prophet said, "I saw (in a dream), two men came to me." Then the Prophet narrated the story (saying), "They said, 'The person, the one whose cheek you saw being torn away (from the mouth to the ear) was a liar and used to tell lies and the people would report those lies on his authority till they spread all over the world. So he will be punished like that till the Day of Resurrection."' [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 118]
Akhi, You will be the worst of creation if you lie to the sister about yourself. I have seen brothers who pretend to be things they are not and lie to sisters about there finance, family, etc and after the sister marries them, his true colour out!
Fear Allah, remember that the above punishment is in the grave and will last until the day of Judgement!
26.) Don’t Get Angry With Her
Narrated Abu Huraira: A man said to the Prophet , "Advise me! "The Prophet said, "Do not become angry and furious." The man asked (the same) again and again, and the Prophet said in each case, "Do not become angry and furious." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 137]
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 135]
27.) Be There For Her And Support Her
“… They are Lîbas [i.e. body cover, or screen, or Sakan, (i.e. you enjoy the pleasure of living with her - as in Verse 7:189) Tafsir At-Tabarî], for you and you are the same for them. ….” (Al-Baqarah 2:187)
Narrated Anas bin Malik: The Prophet said, "Make things easy for the people, and do not make it difficult for them, and make them calm (with glad tidings) and do not repulse (them )." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 146]
Akhi women get very emotional and always need someone to talk to. So make sure you are the one who there to wipe away her tears (not the one who makes her cry) and make sure you give her advice, using wisdom and from the Quran and Sunnah.
28.) Learn From Your Mistakes
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "A believer is not stung twice (by something) out of one and the same hole." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 154]
Subhan’Allah I have seen brothers who continuously hurt their wives in the same way all the time! Akhi if you know you have made a mistake and you know you have hurt her, Why are you still doing it??
29.) Treat Her As A Woman Of Jannah
“Enter Paradise, you and your wives, in happiness.” (Az-Zukhruf 43:70)
Narrated 'Abdullah: The Prophet said, "Everyone will be with those whom he loves." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 189]
SubhanAllah brothers, everyone reads about the women of Jannah, yet we forget about the women of Dunya! She may not be the Same as the women of Jannah, but subhanAllah she is still woman! Remember you mother Hawwa (eve), was in Jannah, so if your wife is her child, surely she is a woman of Jannah also?
30.) In-Laws
Narrated 'Uqba bin 'Amir: Allah's Apostle said, "Beware of entering upon the ladies." A man from the Ansar said, "Allah's Apostle! What about Al-Hamu the in-laws of the wife (the brothers of her husband or his nephews etc.)?" The Prophet replied: The in-laws of the wife are death itself. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 159]
Brothers, Your Wife will Love you and always be by your side. She will show commitment and respect, so why don’t you do the same? If she is being abused by her in laws (your family) then stand up for her! She will not always complain to you, but akhi if you truly love her, you will see her pain in her face! Why don’t you understand that she needs to be protected by you? If you brothers and other family are sitting around and making fun of her, maybe because she wears the niqaab or because of her accent, etc how can you sit down and take that? You MUST stand up and tell them off (in a way that is gentle) and you should ask them to apologise to her! She is a human being with feelings and if you and your family cannot take care of her and respect her, you have made a big error in marrying and you will be held accountable!
And Remember that not everyone has the same customs in their family, so if the sister has come from a different cultural background, you MUST respect that and not expect her to change! You should have married her for who she is, not for who you wish to change her into!!
31.) Divorce as a Last Resort Only
“… As to those women on whose part you see ill*conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allâh is Ever Most High, Most Great.” “If you fear a breach between them twain (the man and his wife), appoint (two) arbitrators, one from his family and the other from her's; if they both wish for peace, Allâh will cause their reconciliation. Indeed Allâh is Ever All*Knower, Well*Acquainted with all things.” (An-Nisa 4: 34 - 35)
“But if they separate (by divorce), Allâh will provide abundance for everyone of them from His Bounty. And Allâh is Ever All*Sufficient for His creatures' need, All*Wise.” (An-Nisa 4:130)
Don’t jump to decisions and do not divorce her unless it’s the last resort!
32.) Give Her Gifts
Narrated Aisha: The people used to look forward for the days of my ('Aisha's) turn to send gifts to Allah's Apostle in order to please him. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 3, Book 47, Number 748]
Narrated 'Aisha: Allah's Apostles used to accept gifts and used to give something in return. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 3, Book 47, Number 758]
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: He who is presented with a flower should not reject it, for it is light to carry and pleasant in odour. [Sahih Bukhari, Book 027, Number 5600]
Buy Her Gifts, Women Loves gifts and it’s a way of increasing Love between you two. And If she buys you a gift, accept with joy and happiness, and be sure to give her one in return!
33.) She is Priceless
'Abdullah b. Amr reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman. [Sahih Muslim Book 008, Number 3465]
34.) Attraction
Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported: I was in the company of Allah's Messenger (way peace be upan him) when there came a man and informed him that he had contracted to marry a woman of the Ansar. Thereupon Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: Did you cast a glance at her? He said: No. He said: Go and cast a glance at her, for there is something in the eyes of the Ansar. [Sahih Bukhari, Book 008, Number 3314]
Generally speaking, you should always lower you gaze, but when it comes to marriage, it’s important you look at the sister (and vice versa). This is because there should be an attraction. Now what is the Islamic definition of attraction? Well it involves the physical side, but also the spiritual and emotional side. So you should be attracted to how she looks, but also her manners, her character, her piety, etc
But it’s important you are also physically attracted because if you are not, then it could cause problems in the future. I have seen couples who detest each other and because of that, they hardly listen to each other and talk to each other. And the biggest problem is, if you marry a sister you are not attracted to, and you see a sister later on who is attractive (although you still should lower your gaze) this will increase the fitnah, in that you may end up becoming upset and releasing the anger on your wife or that you may commit Zinha! Because normally, if you see a beautiful sister, you would go to your wife (this is the Sunnah), but if she is not attractive to you, you may end up approaching the woman on the street!
35.) He Makes Dua for Her and Help Her in Her Deen
"The quickest prayer to be answered is a man's supplication for his brother in his absence." [Reported by Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad, 2/83, Bab du'a' al-akh bi zahr al-ghayb]
Narrated Abu Hurayrah (RAA), "The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: `May Allah have mercy on the man who gets up at night to pray and wakes up his wife to pray, and if she refuses, he sprinkles water in her face. And may Allah have mercy on the woman who gets up at night to pray, and wakes her husband up to pray, and if he refuses, she sprinkles water in his face." [Reported by Abu Dawud, 2/45, in Kitab al-salah: bab qiyam al-layl, and by al-Hakim 1/309, Kitab salah al-tatawwu'; he said that it is sahih according to the consitions of Muslim]
AND ALLAH KNOWS BEST
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Further Reading:
- Causes of Marital Discord that Can Be Traced Back to the Husband - Saalih ibn Ghaanim as-Sadlaan http://www.islamicawakening.com/viewarticle.php?articleID=93
- THE MUSLIM WOMAN AND HER HUSBAND - Dr. Muhammad Ali Al-Hashimi http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/humanrelations/womeninislam/idealmuslimah/chapter4.html
And It is Only Allah Whogrants success. May Allah Exalt th mention of His slave and Messenger Muhammad, and render him, his household and companion safe from Evil.
Praise be to Allaah, we seek His help and His forgiveness. We seek refuge with Allaah from the evil of our own souls and from our bad deeds. Whomsoever Allaah guides will never be led astray, and whomsoever Allaah leaves astray, no one can guide. I bear witness that there is no god but Allaah, and I bear witness that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger. “O you who believe! Fear Allâh (by doing all that He has ordered and by abstaining from all that He has forbidden) as He should be feared. [Obey Him, be thankful to Him, and remember Him always], and die not except in a state of Islâm (as Muslims) with complete submission to Allâh.” (Aali Imran 3:102) “O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam), and from him (Adam) He created his wife [Hawwa (Eve)], and from them both He created many men and women and fear Allâh through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship. Surely, Allâh is Ever an All*Watcher over you.” (An-Nisa 4:1) “O you who believe! Keep your duty to Allâh and fear Him, and speak (always) the truth.” (Al-Ahzab 33:70)
I Pray this reaches you in the best of Health and Amaan.
Last Week, my Sikh neighbour came to speak to me about Islam. He had a party the night before and saw some things that confused him (he saw a old divorced women who has a younger man as a boyfriend) and he wanted to talk to someone about it.
Anyway so he came over and I explained to him what islam says about this. And I explained to him the process of marriage (ie meeting the sisters, asking for her hand through the wali, the mahr, the two witness, the nikkah, walima, etc)
And He told me a story that really got me thinking. He said, “I had a cousin in India who was in that same situation [we were talking about how guys do what they like with girls in this country (especially during university) and then go to foreign countries (normally back home) to get a “fresh” sister] and a guy from UK came to marry her [in India] and everything was fine, she was happy, he was happy, but when they came to UK to do the marriage, he completely changed. It seemed like his true colours had come out and his family were extremely disappointed at him! But she did not listen to us and she said she doesn’t see anything wrong, and they proceeded to get married. A month later, she called her mum and went back to India. She was very stressed and upset. He had being abusing her and turned her into a slave. Her inlaws he made life hell for her. …”
One might say that this only happens in Sikh or non muslim families, but unfortunately this is NOT true. We have many brothers who pretend to be all good and pious before marrying the sister, they even lie about there family or future plans and once she is married to him, they open the doors of hell on her.
The Problem we have with sisters is that they don’t realise that Allah has made them more sensitive than men! And she is more vulnerable, physically and emotionally, and this is why She is only allowed to get married with her Wali (guardian) present. Ie he is supposed to make sure the brother is infact good. Because you should realise that love can be blinding, and sometimes a sister is so taken by a brother, she over looks his faults (which isn’t always bad) and sometimes they forget to look for the essentials in him, and once they are married, she realises the mistake she has made.
Sisters need to understand that brothers have hard hearts, this is why the Mahr is obligatory on them, otherwise some men would not give their wife a gift.
“And give to the women (whom you marry) their Mahr (obligatory bridal money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) with a good heart, but if they, of their own good pleasure, remit any part of it to you, take it, and enjoy it without fear of any harm (as Allâh has made it lawful).” (An-Nisa 4:4)
As for you so called pious brothers, I want you to advise you to wake up and understand that your wives are your responsibilties, subhanAllah if children are considered to be a gift from Allah, what would your wife be?
Yes I know I am not married, so what could I possibly know? Well Alhamdulilah, we have the Quran and Sunnah to help us! And when we want to know how to be perfect partners to our spouses, who do we turn to? Allah and what does Allah say? Obey the Messenger and Use him as an example.
“Indeed in the Messenger of Allâh (Muhammad SAW) you have a good example to follow for him who hopes in (the Meeting with) Allâh and the Last Day and remembers Allâh much.” (Al-Ahzab 33:21)
“Say (O Muhammad SAW): "Obey Allâh and the Messenger (Muhammad SAW)." But if they turn away, then Allâh does not like the disbelievers.” (Aali Imran 3:32)
Hence I have taken afew random hadith and Ayats from the quran and Tried to show you how we should learn to treat our spouses.
All the hadith are taken from Sahih Bukhari and Sahih Muslim, and if I have added any extra ones, they have all been classified as sahih insha’Allah. You can refer to books of hadith for more beautiful Hadith.
This is in no way a comprehensive list. If anything, it would have taken many more hadith (probably enough to fill a book) to cover such an important topic. But ive touched on afew issues, hopping that insha’Allah the brothers understand how we should learn and derive lessons from these hadith and how we should treat our wives in the True Islamic Manner!
May Allah Forgive me for my Errors and mistakes. Ameen
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Some General Advice To Husbands
1.) Haya
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Faith (Belief) consists of more than sixty branches (i.e. parts). And Haya (This term "Haya" covers a large number of concepts which are to be taken together; amongst them are self respect, modesty, bashfulness, and scruple, etc.) is a part of faith." [Sahih Bukhari Volume 1, Book 2, Number 8]
This hadith shows us that We should Always have “Haya”. Some brothers assume that this refers to sisters only, but this is a big mistake! There are many hadith to prove that haya is also for men!
Narrated Abu Mas'ud: The Prophet said, 'One of the sayings of the early Prophets which the people have got is: If you don't feel ashamed do whatever you like." (See Hadith No 690, 691, Vol 4) [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 141]
So when you are on the streets, you should have the sense of shame and dress modestly! (with the correct male hijaab – which is the same as the female hijaab, except men only need to cover from navel to knees – and Allah knows best) And if you see a sister avoid looking at her and lower you gaze!, sometimes its seems like the “first glance” seems to take a very long time! I.e. stop staring at her! And don’t make it a habit to go and greet her! It’s Unfortunate that brothers hardly great each other, but sometimes they will do what they have to (even if it requires crossing the road) to great a sister!!
When asked about greeting women, Shaikh Muhammad Naasir ad-Deen al-Albaanee (may Allah have mercy on him) said, “…And with regard to this question - we find that the Salaf had not used to greet the women whom they came across. And this is also to prevent fitnah…” [Jami'at Ihyaa' Mihaaj Al-Sunnah]
What I was concerned with is the behaviour of brothers AFTER marriage. It seems like they believe as soon as they marry the sister, they don’t have to dress modestly, act respectfully, have a sense of shame, etc with the Wife! This is strange, because the brother will expect the sister to always be dressed well and be “beautified” for him! This is fine because it’s from the Sunnah and increases love between each other. But it should works BOTH ways! The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) always had a sense of haya with his wives. He would respect them and love them and understand there needs. Insha’Allah I will discuss this in detail as we move on.
Narrated Abu Said Al-Khudri: The Prophet was more shy than a virgin in her separate room. And if he saw a thing which he disliked, we would recognize that (feeling) in his face. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 124]
2.) “Wife Beater”
Narrated Abu Musa: Some people asked Allah's Apostle, "Whose Islam is the best? i.e. (Who is a very good Muslim)?" He replied, "One who avoids harming the Muslims with his tongue and hands." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 2, Number 10]
Subhan’Allah, this is a very sad problem in our Ummah, especially in the UK. It seems like some brothers open the Qur’an and Read, “… (and last) beat them …” (An-Nisa 4:34) and started beating up their wives!
Its amazing how many people hardly read the FULL verse:
“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allâh has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allâh and to their husbands), and guard in the husband's absence what Allâh orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband's property, etc.). As to those women on whose part you see ill*conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allâh is Ever Most High, Most Great.” (An-Nisa 4:34)
So you should tell them off , if that doesn’t work, stay away from them for awhile. Don’t share the same bed. The wisdom behind this is that anger is like fire in the human body, and insha’Allah after awhile, the fire will die down and you will remember why you married the sister in the first place – and Allah knows best.
Now if none if this works, you should hit her. But you should NOT hit the face, break any bones, leave any marks, etc. it should be a light beating. You could say it’s similar to the pat on the back you would give someone who is choking [because of something in the throat]. But unfortunately ignorant brothers have even left sisters with permanent injures and this is great evil from their part. They should fear Allah in what they will do, because if the sister does not forgive the brother, he will end up getting more than just a beating on the day of Judgement! Insha’Allah
So why do we work so hard to make our Muslims friends Love us and even our non Muslim friends? Yet we are quick to quarrel with our spouses and resort to violence?
[b]3.) Don’t Abuse Her
Narrated Abu Musa: Some people asked Allah's Apostle, "Whose Islam is the best? i.e. (Who is a very good Muslim)?" He replied, "One who avoids harming the Muslims with his tongue and hands." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 2, Number 10]
Narrated 'Abdullah: The Prophet said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (an evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)….” [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 2, Number 46]
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "Anybody who believes in Allah and the Last Day should not harm his neighbor, and anybody who believes in Allah and the Last Day should entertain his guest generously and anybody who believes in Allah and the Last Day should talk what is good or keep quiet. (i.e. abstain from all kinds of evil and dirty talk). [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 47]
Narrated Anas: I served the Prophet for ten years, and he never said to me, "Uf" (a minor harsh word denoting impatience) and never blamed me by saying, "Why did you do so or why didn't you do so?" [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 64]
Bothers don’t swear at your wives. No matter what she has done or does to you, you should never say any ill words to her. Remember, she is your wife! Not some stranger. Infact, would you go around swearing at people? Especially your friends?? No! We put effort to be nice to out friends, so why don’t we put effort to be good to our wives?
Remember, what comes out of your mouth might just be just words according to you, but to her, it will be like an arrow in the heart. Words can “make” and “break” relationships. So Fear Allah and choose your worlds wisely. Speak Well to Her, otherwise Don’t say anything at All!
4.) Love Her
“It is He Who has created you from a single person (Adam), and (then) He has created from him his wife [Hawwa (Eve)], in order that he might enjoy the pleasure of living with her. When he had sexual relation with her, she became pregnant and she carried it about lightly. Then when it became heavy, they both invoked Allâh, their Lord (saying): "If You give us a Sâlih (good in every aspect) child, we shall indeed be among the grateful." (Al-A'raf 7:189)
Narrated Anas: The Prophet said, "None of you will have faith till he wishes for his (Muslim) brother what he likes for himself." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 2, Number 12]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle said, "By Him in Whose Hands my life is, none of you will have faith till he loves me more than his father and his children." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 2, Number 13]
Narrated Anas: The Prophet said, "Whoever possesses the following three qualities will have the sweetness (delight) of faith: 1. The one to whom Allah and His Apostle becomes dearer than anything else. 2. Who loves a person and he loves him only for Allah's sake. 3. Who hates to revert to Atheism (disbelief) as he hates to be thrown into the fire." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 2, Number 15]
Every Muslim is supposed to Love their Muslim Brothers and sisters. This is clear. We are all Slaves of Allah and the Children of Adam. Allah has not created us to fight with each other, but to help each other in worshipping Allah.
So Love you wife, and Lover her for the Sake of Allah! What do I mean by love? Insha’Allah Love covers a broad amount of concepts, which I will try mention below, Insha’Allah
5.) Making Time For Her
Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Amr bin Al-'As: Allah's Apostle said, "O 'Abdullah! Have I not been formed that you fast all the day and stand in prayer all night?" I said, "Yes, O Allah's Apostle!" He said, "Do not do that! Observe the fast sometimes and also leave them (the fast) at other times; stand up for the prayer at night and also sleep at night. Your body has a right over you, your eyes have a right over you and your wife has a right over you." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 127]
Narrated Anas: The Prophet I used to go round (have sexual relations with) all his wives in one night, and he had nine wives. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 6]
Narrated Al-Aswad bin Yazid: I asked 'Aisha "What did the Prophet use to do at home?" She said, "He used to work for his family, and when he heard the Adhan (call for the prayer), he would go out." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 64, Number 276]
How many Brothers will plan for football matches or meeting friends, weeks in advance? But when it comes to there wives, she has taken the place of a slave. All she does is cook, clean and satisfy your needs, but when you are done with her, you run off to your friends!! The Messenger of Allah Always made time for each of his wives, yet brothers can’t even make time for one! She is NOT your property! She is your blessing of this Dunya! She is someone you are supposed to take care of, love and spend time with. No matter how righteous you are, even the messenger of Allah made time for his wives, so don’t use the “worship of Allah” as excuse, because remember, the Messenger of Allah worshipped more than you did! So don’t go against his Sunnah and follow his example!
6.) Remember Why You Married Her
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 27]
Brothers don’t ever look at your wives with disgust! YOU are the one who Married her! YOU are the one who took up the responsibility! She has put her trust in you and the worst thing you can ever do is start hating her! IF Shaytan puts this disease in your heart, think back to when you married her, and remember why you married her! Remember why she is the one that caught your eye, and stole your heart and remember the promises you made to her!
7.) Money Doesn’t Buy Love
Narrated Sahl: A man passed by Allah's Apostle and Allah s Apostle asked (his companions) "What do you say about this (man)?" They replied "If he asks for a lady's hand, he ought to be given her in marriage; and if he intercedes (for someone) his intercessor should be accepted; and if he speaks, he should be listened to." Allah's Apostle kept silent, and then a man from among the poor Muslims passed by, an Allah's Apostle asked (them) "What do you say about this man?" They replied, "If he asks for a lady's hand in marriage he does not deserve to be married, and he intercedes (for someone), his intercession should not be accepted; And if he speaks, he should not be listened to.' Allah's Apostle said, "This poor man is better than so many of the first as filling the earth.' [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 28]
The worst Excuse I have herd brothers make is, “brother I am too busy to make time for my wife, but you see, I am working hard for our future”. SubhanAllah, If she was so worried about that, she would have marriage a rich man! She did not marry you for your money! She married you for your piety. Its true that your intentions are good, but regardless, She needs you now and in the future, so why you abandoning her now and focusing on the future? How can you even say that you will live to see her tomorrow? Marriage is more than just about money! It’s about commitment and responsibility to your wife! You have to make time for her, and Subhan’Allah Brother, to her, that time you spend with her is more precious than any diamonds or jewellery! If you wife is sincere to you, she will love you no matter what your financial situation. So my point is, work hard, but make time for your family. Remember that all that you will earn (your provisions of this Dunya) has already been written, so do your best and leave the rest to Allah, but never abandon your wife. Because remember, the youth years are the best ones! This is one of the reasons why the messenger of Allah said to marry young. And Allah knows best
8.) Respect Her Privacy
“O you who believe! Avoid much suspicions, indeed some suspicions are sins. And spy not, neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it (so hate backbiting). And fear Allâh. Verily, Allâh is the One Who accepts repentance, Most Merciful.” (Al-Hujurat 49:12)
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Beware of suspicion (about others), as suspicion is the falsest talk, and do not spy upon each other, and do not listen to the evil talk of the people about others' affairs, and do not have enmity with one another, but be brothers. And none should ask for the hand of a girl who is already engaged to his (Muslim) brother, but one should wait till the first suitor marries her or leaves her." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 74]
Brothers no matter how close you are to your wife, no matter how much you love her and no matter what you have done for her, she will always need some time alone, to herself, it could be for worship, or any other halal reason. And you must respect that. Give her, her space and don’t stick your nose into her business! If she has Muslim sisters coming over, don’t start ease dropping or spying on them. If you wife works for an Islamic society or organisation don’t think ill of her and accuse her of things she would never do! Always think positive about your wife and give her, her space.
9.) Caring For Her
“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.” (Ar-Rum 30:21)
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not hurt (trouble) his neighbor. And I advise you to take care of the women, for they are created from a rib and the most crooked portion of the rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten it, it will break, and if you leave it, it will remain crooked, so I urge you to take care of the women." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 114]
Most brothers don’t understand this hadith. Let me try explaining it to you in your language. Ok lets say someone give you a Ferrari, which is a bit old and he tells you that don’t change anything, otherwise it wont work, but also don’t leave it alone, give it a proper maintenance, would that make sense to you now? NO I’m not comparing women to cars, the point I’m trying to make is remember that you have married your wife for who she is, and your responsibility is not to change her or leave her alone completely! Instead you should spend time with her and take care of her needs! If she is ill, you should be there to take care of her, if she is hungry, would it be so hard for you to make her some food? If she needs to talk, don’t tell her to call so and so, be there for her and listen!
Allah has created you for her and her for you! You are ment for each other! You complete each other, so do your part and be a Man! Take care of your wife!
10.) Talk To Her
Narrated Ibn 'Umar: During the lifetime of the Prophet we used to avoid chatting leisurely and freely with our wives lest some Divine inspiration might be revealed concerning us. But when the Prophet had died, we started chatting leisurely and freely (with them). [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 115]
Why do brothers LOVE to “flirt” with sisters, yet once you are married, the conversation dies? This is when you should be talking! Sisters love to talk and often need someone to talk to! And you should be there to listen to her and advise her! We have so many beautiful ahadith where the messenger of Allah is talking to his wives, and sometimes they are telling him stories and he (peace be upon him) sits and listens to them!
No matter how much hard work you did during the day, you Must make it a habit to come home early and spend time and talk to your wife. She is your companion; she should be your best friend!
11.) Protect Her
“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allâh has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allâh and to their husbands), and guard in the husband's absence what Allâh orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband's property, etc.). As to those women on whose part you see ill*conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allâh is Ever Most High, Most Great.” (An-Nisa 4:34)
Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar: The Prophet said, "Everyone of you is a guardian and everyone of you is responsible (for his wards). A ruler is a guardian and is responsible(for his subjects); a man is a guardian of his family and responsible (for them); a wife is a guardian of her husband's house and she is responsible (for it), a slave is a guardian of his master's property and is responsible (for that). Beware! All of you are guardians and are responsible (for your wards)." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 116]
Imaam Ahmad and Ibn Hibbaan reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever is killed defending his property is a shaheed (martyr), whoever is killed defending himself is a shaheed, whoever is killed defending his religion is a shaheed, and whoever is killed defending his family is a shaheed.” In the commentary on this hadeeth it says: “whoever is killed defending his family is a shaheed” refers to the one who defends the honour of his wife and female relatives.
She is your responsibility. The day you went and asked her Wali (guardian) for her hand, is the day you decided you would take up the responsibility of taking care of her. She is more valuable than anything in this world, and you should be willing do die to protect her. She is your honour and any man who dies protecting his family is no doubt a Shaheed! Insha’Allah
Akhi (brother) you have not been made stronger than your wife expect for one reason, ie to protect her! So fear Allah and become her shield! If she wishes to go out somewhere, go with her, even if you don’t want to. Make sure you are with her as much as she likes and make sure you put her above anything else in this Dunya. Of course in terms of Ibadah (worship), Allah always comes above creation!
You are responsible for her, and Fear Allah in your duties because the day with come when you will be asked about those who you were supposed to take care of!
Protection is not only physical, but mental! Don’t allow people to abuse her or backbite about her. How many times have we seen the wife being abused by her in-laws? Akhi if you can’t protect her form your own family, than you made a mistake by marrying her! She does not deserve anything, but to be happy, and you are responsible for that. Yes ultimately Everything is from Allah, but He says in the Quran that we are PROTECTORS AND MAINTAINERS!
12.) Entertain Her
Narrated 'Ursa: Aisha said, "While the Ethiopians were playing with their small spears, Allah's Apostle screened me behind him and I watched (that display) and kept on watching till I left on my own." So you may estimate of what age a little girl may listen to amusement. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 118]
You wife is human, and as much as you love to be entertained, so does she! Don’t leave her locked up in the house, take her on holiday take her to see the world so that you can both reflect on the wonders of Allah, take her of Hajj and Ummrah. So many times wives complain that there husband doesn’t take them places. But who do you do this brother? Surely you would wish to spend as much time as you can with your wife?
14.) Praise Her
Narrated 'Aisha: I never felt so jealous of any wife of Allah's Apostle as I did of Khadija because Allah's Apostle used to remember and praise her too often and because it was revealed to Allah's Apostle that he should give her (Khadija) the glad tidings of her having a palace of Qasab in Paradise . [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 156]
She does so much for you; She loves you more than you could ever love her and she cares about you more than you can imagine, yet how many times have you ever shown you appreciate her? How many times have you told her how beautiful she looks, how much you like everything else she has done for you?
Please note: We should excessively praise people either. Narrated Abu Musa: The Prophet heard a man praising another man and he was exaggerating in his praise. The Prophet said (to him). "You have destroyed (or cut) the back of the man." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 86]
15.) Let Her Go To The Mosque
Narrated Salim's father: The Prophet said, "If the wife of anyone of you asks permission to go to the mosque, he should not forbid her." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 165]
Many Brothers, especially Asians, do not let their wives go to the mosque. Subhan’Allah, how can you do this? How can you allow your parents or your family to stop your wife from praying in the mosque? Especially in Ramadan? I don’t understand what can of families these are! Yet they are so common!
You should understand, the reason the hadith is there is to show how much respect the wife should have for her husband, i.e. she should ask him before she goes to the mosque, but that doesn’t mean he should abuse that power! This is something from Allah, So Fear Allah and not only let her go to the mosque, but Subhan’Allah, go with her!
16.) Spend On Her
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "The best alms is that which you give when you are rich, and you should start first to support your dependants." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 64, Number 269]
Thauban reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: The most excellent dinar is one that a person spends on his family, and the dinar which he spends on his animal in Allah's path, and the dinar he spends on his companions in Allah's path. Abu Qilaba (one of the narrators) said: He (the narrator) started with family, and then Abu Qilaba said: Who is the person with greater reward than a person who spends on young members of his family (and thus) preserves (saves them from want) (and by virtue of which) Allah brings profit for them and makes them rich. [Sahih Muslim, Book 005, Number 2180]
Don’t be miser and spend your wealth on her! Why do you earn money? is it not to spend on those who you are responsible for? Remember, every time you say “No” to your wife when she asks for money, you are missing a reward (of Charity).
18.) Don’t Break Your Family Ties
Narrated Jubair bin Mut'im: That he heard the Prophet saying, "The person who severs the bond of kinship will not enter Paradise." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 13]
Akhi don’t break families because of her! But don’t make her break family ties either! How can you forbid her from seeing her own family? Fear Allah and remember that marriage is supposed to also brings families closer to each other. The evidence of this is the Marriage of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) to Aysha (Abu Bakr’s Daughter) and Hafsa ( Umar’s Daughter), etc May Allah be pleased with them all
19.) Be Merciful and Tolerant To Her
Narrated Jarir bin 'Abdullah: The Prophet said, "He who is not merciful to others, will not be treated mercifully. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 42]
Narrated Anas bin Malik: Allah's Apostle said, "Do not hate one another, and do not be jealous of one another, and do not desert each other, and O, Allah's worshipers! Be brothers. Lo! It is not permissible for any Muslim to desert (not talk to) his brother (Muslim) for more than three days." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 91]
Why is it that when your friends make mistakes, you are quick to forgive and be kind to them, but if your wife makes the smallest mistake, you make it into the biggest issue! Subhan’Allah, Akh,i she is only human! Can you honestly say you don’t make errors! You should be forgiving and merciful to her. This is the True meaning of Love! For if you did really Love her, it would show in your actions towards her! Look at the Messenger of Allah, he loved his wives so much and even though at times they would upset him, he would never shout at them, because he understood, it’s the nature of the women to be more sensitive. She is like a Rose, and every time you shout at her or hit her, she loses a petal. Until eventually she will feel dead inside.
20.) Have Good Manners
Narrated Masruq: We were sitting with 'Abdullah bin 'Amr who was narrating to us (Hadith): He said, "Allah's Apostle was neither a Fahish nor a Mutafahhish, and he used to say, 'The best among you are the best in character (having good manners)."' [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 61]
Narrated Anas: Allah's Apostle I said, "I have told you repeatedly to (use) the Siwak. (The Prophet put emphasis on the use of the Siwak.) [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 2, Book 13, Number 13]
Keep yourself clean, brush your teeth, always make sure you smell good, etc for you wife. And develop manners on the dinner table, in the house, with your wife, etc
21.) Do Not Betray Her Trust
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Beware of suspicion, for suspicion is the worst of false tales; and do not look for the others' faults and do not spy, and do not be jealous of one another, and do not desert (cut your relation with) one another, and do not hate one another; and O Allah's worshipers! Be brothers (as Allah has ordered you!") [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 90]
Don’t break her promises or Tell others her secrets. Fear Allah and remember her feelings are at stake! So don’t break her heart, because once you do, it will take a long time to heal… if it ever does!
22.) Do Not Expose Her Sins
Abu Sa'id al-Khudri (Allah he pleased with him) reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upoin him) said: The most wicked among the people in the eye of Allah on the Day of judgment is the men who goes to his wife and she comes to him, and then he divulges her secret. [Sahih Bukhari, Book 008, Number 3369]
Narrated Abu Huraira: I heard Allah's Apostle saying. "All the sins of my followers will be forgiven except those of the Mujahirin (those who commit a sin openly or disclose their sins to the people). An example of such disclosure is that a person commits a sin at night and though Allah screens it from the public, then he comes in the morning, and says, 'O so-and-so, I did such-and-such (evil) deed yesterday,' though he spent his night screened by his Lord (none knowing about his sin) and in the morning he removes Allah's screen from himself." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 95]
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) as saying: The servant (whose fault) Allah conceals in this world, Allah would also conceal (his faults) on the Day of Resurrection. [Sahih Muslim, Book 032, Number 6266]
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) as saying: The servant (who conceals) the faults of others in this world, Allah would conceal his faults on the Day of Resurrection [Sahih Muslim, Book 032, Number 6267]
Abu ‘Ubaidah ibn Abdullah reported that Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said:- “One who repents from sin is like one without sin.” [Sahih Sunan Ibn Maajah, vol. 2, no. 3427, authenticated by Al-albaani]
Brother, if she commits a sin, Why do you have to tell the whole world? She is only human! She makes errors and Allah is Most Merciful. But why do you have to expose her sins?
And another point to note, if she may have committed sins in her past, but has repented, then Why do you still ask her about it? Why? Are you marrying her past? Or who she is now?
Fear Allah and protect the honour of your wife akhi!
23.) Smile At Her
Narrated 'Aisha: I never saw the Prophet laughing to an extent that one could see his palate, but he always used to smile only. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 114]
Smile at her, brother, she should be your source of Happiness and peace. She is a blessing from Allah!
24.) Do Not Become A Hypocrite
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "The signs of a hypocrite are three: Whenever he speaks, he tells a lie; and whenever he promises, he breaks his promise; and whenever he is entrusted, he betrays (proves to be dishonest)". [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 117]
25.) Don’t Lie To Her
Narrated Samura bin Jundub: The Prophet said, "I saw (in a dream), two men came to me." Then the Prophet narrated the story (saying), "They said, 'The person, the one whose cheek you saw being torn away (from the mouth to the ear) was a liar and used to tell lies and the people would report those lies on his authority till they spread all over the world. So he will be punished like that till the Day of Resurrection."' [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 118]
Akhi, You will be the worst of creation if you lie to the sister about yourself. I have seen brothers who pretend to be things they are not and lie to sisters about there finance, family, etc and after the sister marries them, his true colour out!
Fear Allah, remember that the above punishment is in the grave and will last until the day of Judgement!
26.) Don’t Get Angry With Her
Narrated Abu Huraira: A man said to the Prophet , "Advise me! "The Prophet said, "Do not become angry and furious." The man asked (the same) again and again, and the Prophet said in each case, "Do not become angry and furious." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 137]
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 135]
27.) Be There For Her And Support Her
“… They are Lîbas [i.e. body cover, or screen, or Sakan, (i.e. you enjoy the pleasure of living with her - as in Verse 7:189) Tafsir At-Tabarî], for you and you are the same for them. ….” (Al-Baqarah 2:187)
Narrated Anas bin Malik: The Prophet said, "Make things easy for the people, and do not make it difficult for them, and make them calm (with glad tidings) and do not repulse (them )." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 146]
Akhi women get very emotional and always need someone to talk to. So make sure you are the one who there to wipe away her tears (not the one who makes her cry) and make sure you give her advice, using wisdom and from the Quran and Sunnah.
28.) Learn From Your Mistakes
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "A believer is not stung twice (by something) out of one and the same hole." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 154]
Subhan’Allah I have seen brothers who continuously hurt their wives in the same way all the time! Akhi if you know you have made a mistake and you know you have hurt her, Why are you still doing it??
29.) Treat Her As A Woman Of Jannah
“Enter Paradise, you and your wives, in happiness.” (Az-Zukhruf 43:70)
Narrated 'Abdullah: The Prophet said, "Everyone will be with those whom he loves." [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 189]
SubhanAllah brothers, everyone reads about the women of Jannah, yet we forget about the women of Dunya! She may not be the Same as the women of Jannah, but subhanAllah she is still woman! Remember you mother Hawwa (eve), was in Jannah, so if your wife is her child, surely she is a woman of Jannah also?
30.) In-Laws
Narrated 'Uqba bin 'Amir: Allah's Apostle said, "Beware of entering upon the ladies." A man from the Ansar said, "Allah's Apostle! What about Al-Hamu the in-laws of the wife (the brothers of her husband or his nephews etc.)?" The Prophet replied: The in-laws of the wife are death itself. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 159]
Brothers, Your Wife will Love you and always be by your side. She will show commitment and respect, so why don’t you do the same? If she is being abused by her in laws (your family) then stand up for her! She will not always complain to you, but akhi if you truly love her, you will see her pain in her face! Why don’t you understand that she needs to be protected by you? If you brothers and other family are sitting around and making fun of her, maybe because she wears the niqaab or because of her accent, etc how can you sit down and take that? You MUST stand up and tell them off (in a way that is gentle) and you should ask them to apologise to her! She is a human being with feelings and if you and your family cannot take care of her and respect her, you have made a big error in marrying and you will be held accountable!
And Remember that not everyone has the same customs in their family, so if the sister has come from a different cultural background, you MUST respect that and not expect her to change! You should have married her for who she is, not for who you wish to change her into!!
31.) Divorce as a Last Resort Only
“… As to those women on whose part you see ill*conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allâh is Ever Most High, Most Great.” “If you fear a breach between them twain (the man and his wife), appoint (two) arbitrators, one from his family and the other from her's; if they both wish for peace, Allâh will cause their reconciliation. Indeed Allâh is Ever All*Knower, Well*Acquainted with all things.” (An-Nisa 4: 34 - 35)
“But if they separate (by divorce), Allâh will provide abundance for everyone of them from His Bounty. And Allâh is Ever All*Sufficient for His creatures' need, All*Wise.” (An-Nisa 4:130)
Don’t jump to decisions and do not divorce her unless it’s the last resort!
32.) Give Her Gifts
Narrated Aisha: The people used to look forward for the days of my ('Aisha's) turn to send gifts to Allah's Apostle in order to please him. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 3, Book 47, Number 748]
Narrated 'Aisha: Allah's Apostles used to accept gifts and used to give something in return. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 3, Book 47, Number 758]
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: He who is presented with a flower should not reject it, for it is light to carry and pleasant in odour. [Sahih Bukhari, Book 027, Number 5600]
Buy Her Gifts, Women Loves gifts and it’s a way of increasing Love between you two. And If she buys you a gift, accept with joy and happiness, and be sure to give her one in return!
33.) She is Priceless
'Abdullah b. Amr reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman. [Sahih Muslim Book 008, Number 3465]
34.) Attraction
Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported: I was in the company of Allah's Messenger (way peace be upan him) when there came a man and informed him that he had contracted to marry a woman of the Ansar. Thereupon Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: Did you cast a glance at her? He said: No. He said: Go and cast a glance at her, for there is something in the eyes of the Ansar. [Sahih Bukhari, Book 008, Number 3314]
Generally speaking, you should always lower you gaze, but when it comes to marriage, it’s important you look at the sister (and vice versa). This is because there should be an attraction. Now what is the Islamic definition of attraction? Well it involves the physical side, but also the spiritual and emotional side. So you should be attracted to how she looks, but also her manners, her character, her piety, etc
But it’s important you are also physically attracted because if you are not, then it could cause problems in the future. I have seen couples who detest each other and because of that, they hardly listen to each other and talk to each other. And the biggest problem is, if you marry a sister you are not attracted to, and you see a sister later on who is attractive (although you still should lower your gaze) this will increase the fitnah, in that you may end up becoming upset and releasing the anger on your wife or that you may commit Zinha! Because normally, if you see a beautiful sister, you would go to your wife (this is the Sunnah), but if she is not attractive to you, you may end up approaching the woman on the street!
35.) He Makes Dua for Her and Help Her in Her Deen
"The quickest prayer to be answered is a man's supplication for his brother in his absence." [Reported by Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad, 2/83, Bab du'a' al-akh bi zahr al-ghayb]
Narrated Abu Hurayrah (RAA), "The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: `May Allah have mercy on the man who gets up at night to pray and wakes up his wife to pray, and if she refuses, he sprinkles water in her face. And may Allah have mercy on the woman who gets up at night to pray, and wakes her husband up to pray, and if he refuses, she sprinkles water in his face." [Reported by Abu Dawud, 2/45, in Kitab al-salah: bab qiyam al-layl, and by al-Hakim 1/309, Kitab salah al-tatawwu'; he said that it is sahih according to the consitions of Muslim]
AND ALLAH KNOWS BEST
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Further Reading:
- Causes of Marital Discord that Can Be Traced Back to the Husband - Saalih ibn Ghaanim as-Sadlaan http://www.islamicawakening.com/viewarticle.php?articleID=93
- THE MUSLIM WOMAN AND HER HUSBAND - Dr. Muhammad Ali Al-Hashimi http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/humanrelations/womeninislam/idealmuslimah/chapter4.html
And It is Only Allah Whogrants success. May Allah Exalt th mention of His slave and Messenger Muhammad, and render him, his household and companion safe from Evil.