1mran
2nd May 2007, 03:37 PM
Relatives/Kinship
I Pray this reaches you in the Best of Imaan and Health.
Unfortunately, this Ummah has reached a stage that we have started fighting amongst ourselves. And one of the worst of these acts are that of severing Family Ties. Many people are not aware of the importance of Family Ties, so Insha’Allah i've compiled some Fatwas to give you and understanding of why we should strive to uphold family ties and how we should deal with certain problems we may have.
“Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship? Such are they whom Allâh has cursed, so that He has made them deaf and blinded their sight.” (Muhammad 47:22 - 23)
================================
1. Upholding The Ties Of Kinship
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
Question: What is the meaning of silat al-rahm (upholding the ties of kinship)?
Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
Islam calls for the upholding of the ties of kinship because of the great effect that this has on achieving social cohesion and perpetuating cooperation and love among the Muslims. Upholding the ties of kinship is a duty because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “… and fear Allaah through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of ) the wombs (kinship)…” [al-Nisa’ 4:1]
“And give to the kindred his due and to the miskeen (poor)…” [al-Isra’ 17:26]
Allaah has warned us against cutting the ties of kinship (interpretation of the meaning): “And those who break the Covenant of Allaah, after its ratification, and sever that which Allaah has commanded to be joined (i.e., they sever the bond of kinship and are not good to their relatives), and work mischief in the land, on them is the curse (i.e., they will be far away from Allaah’s Mercy); And for them is the unhappy (evil) home (i.e., Hell).” [al-Ra’d 13:26]
What punishment could be worse than the curse and the evil home that awaits those who sever the ties of kinship ? They deny themselves the reward for upholding the ties of kinship in the Hereafter, in addition to denying themselves much good in this world, which is a long life and ample provision. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever would like his rizq (provision) to be increased and his life to be extended, should uphold the ties of kinship.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 5986 and Muslim, 2557). Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘Allaah created the universe, and when He had finished, kinship (al-rahm) stood up and said, “This is the standing up of one who seeks Your protection from being cut off.” Allaah said, “Yes, would it please you if I were to take care of those who take care of you and cut off those who cut you off?” It said, “Of course.” Allaah said, “Then your prayer in granted.”’” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “Recite, if you wish (interpretation of the meaning): ‘Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship? Such are they whom Allaah has cursed, so that He has made them deaf and blinded their sight.’ [Muhammad 47:22-23].” (Saheeh Muslim bi Sharh al-Nawawi, 16/112).
Once we understand this, we need to ask: who is the one who upholds the ties of kinship? This was explained by the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when he said: “The one who maintains a relationship with his relatives only because they maintain a relationship with him is not truly upholding the ties of kinship. The one who truly upholds those ties is the one who does so even if they break off the relationship.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 5645). If the relationship is merely one of returning favours and giving like in return for like, and not taking the initiative, then this is not upholding the ties of kinship, it is only responding in kind. Some people follow the principle of giving a gift in return for a gift, and visiting in return for a visit, so if someone does not give them a gift, they do not give him a gift, and if he does not visit them, they do not visit him. This is not what is meant by upholding the ties of kinship at all, and this is not what is required by Islam. This is merely responding in kind, it is not the higher degree which Islam urges us to reach. A man said to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), “I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off. I treat them well, but they abuse me. I am patient and kind towards them, but they insult me.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “If you are as you say, then it is as if you are putting hot dust in their mouths. Allaah will continue to support you as long as you continue to do that.” (Reported by Muslim with commentary by al-Nawawi, 16/115). Who could bear to put up with hot dust? We seek refuge with Allaah from cutting off the ties of kinship.
2. Who are the kindred (arhaam) with whom one must uphold the ties of kinship?
www.islam-qa.com
Question: Allaah, may He be exalted, and His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) have enjoined the upholding of the ties of kinship.
My question is: Who are the kindred with whom we must uphold the ties of kinship? Are they on the father’s side, the mother’s side or the wife’s side?.
Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly: The scholars differed as to the definition of the kindred with whom ties of kinship must be upheld. There are three views:
1- That it means one’s mahrams (those whom one is forbidden to marry)
2- That it means those who will inherit from you
3- That it means all blood relatives, whether they are heirs or not.
The correct scholarly view is the third one, that it refers to all blood relatives – not relatives through breastfeeding – on both the father’s side and the mother’s. As for the wife’s relatives, they are not kindred (arhaam) for the husband, and the husband’s relatives are not kindred for the wife.
Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked: Who are one's kindred and relatives? Some people say that the wife’s relatives are not kindred. He replied: The kindred (arhaam) are the blood relatives on your mother’s and father’s sides. They are the ones meant in the verses in Soorah al-Anfaal and Soorah al-Ahzaab in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “But kindred by blood are nearer to one another (regarding inheritance) in the decree ordained by Allaah” [al-Anfaal 8:57; al-Ahzaab 33:6]
The closest of them are fathers, mothers, grandparents, children and their children, no matter how far the line of descent goes. Then the next closest and the next closest of brothers and their children, paternal uncles and aunts and their children, and maternal uncles and aunts and their children. It is narrated in a saheeh report from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) that someone asked him: “Whom should I honour, O Messenger of Allaah?” He said, “Your mother.” He said: “Then whom?” He said: “Your mother.” He said: “Then whom?” He said, “Your mother.” He said: “Then whom?” He said: “Then your father, then the next closest and the next closest.” Narrated by Imam Muslim in his Saheeh. And there are many similar ahaadeeth. With regard to the wife’s relatives, they are not kindred of her husband, because they are not his relatives, but they are kindred of his children from her. And Allaah is the Source of strength. Fataawa Islamiyyah (4/195)
The relatives of each spouse are not kindred of the other spouse, but they should still be treated kindly, because that is part of the good treatment of the spouses towards one another, and it is one of the ways of increasing love.
Secondly: Upholding the ties of kinship may be done in many ways, such as visiting, giving charity, treating them kindly, visiting them when they are sick, enjoining them to do what is good and forbidding them to do what is evil, and so on.
Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Upholding the ties of kinship means kind treatment of relatives according to the position of each of them. Sometimes it may be by giving money, sometimes by serving them, sometimes by visiting them, or greeting them, and so on. End quote. Sharh Muslim (2/201).
Shaykh Muhammad al-Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Upholding the ties of kinship depends on what is customary among people, because it is not defined in the Qur’aan and Sunnah in precise terms of type or amount. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) did not limit it to any specific thing, rather it is general in meaning. Hence reference should be made to what is customary. Whatever is customarily regarded as upholding the ties of kinship is upholding the ties of kinship, and what the people customarily regard as breaking the ties of kinship is breaking the ties of kinship. End quote. Sharh Riyadh al-Saaliheen (5/215)
And Allaah knows best.
3. Upholding the ties of kinship is obligatory to the extent that one is able to do it
Sheikh Ibn Baz
Question: I have sisters who are married and my mother is married to someone other than my father, because my father is deceased. I work in the army and I want to go and see them but my circumstances do not permit it. I am also married and if I go there and leave my family, I would have to stay there for at least three days, during which time I would be worrying about my wife and children. Am I severing the ties of kinship, given that I have not been in touch with them for ten months?.
Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
Upholding the ties of kinship is obligatory to the extent that one is able to do it, starting with the closest and then the next closest. There is a great deal of goodness in it and it serves many interests. Severing the ties of kinship is a major sin, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship? Such are they whom Allâh has cursed, so that He has made them deaf and blinded their sight.” (Muhammad 47:22 - 23)
And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No one who severs the ties of kinship will enter Paradise.” [Sahih Muslim]. When a man asked him, “O Messenger of Allaah, whom should I honour?” He said: “Your mother.” He said: “Then whom?” He said: “Your mother.” He said: “Then whom?” He said: “Your mother.” He said: “Then whom?” The fourth time he said: “Your father, then the next closest and the next closest.” [Sahih Muslim] In al-Saheeh it is narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever would like his provision to be increased and his lifespan to be extended, let him uphold the ties of kinship.”
There are many ahaadeeth on this topic. What you have to do is to uphold the ties of kinship to the extent that you are able to, by visiting them if possible, or by writing or phoning. It is also prescribed for you to uphold kinship ties financially too, if the relative is poor. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “So keep your duty to Allaah and fear Him as much as you can” [al-Taghaabun 64:16] “Allaah burdens not a person beyond his scope” [al-Baqarah 2:286] And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When I command you to do something, do as much of it as you can.” Saheeh – agreed upon.
May Allaah help us all to do that which pleases Him. Fataawa Ibn Baaz, 9/414.
4. Abandoning Kinship
Shaykh Muhammad al-Duwaysh
Question: Should I visit my (paternal) aunt, knowing that she does not feel comfortable with me in her house, and after every visit she causes endless problems? In order to prevent further problems, I have decided not to visit her, but I greet her with salaams whenever I see her.
Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
The purpose of visiting is to uphold the ties of kinship and to strengthen the bonds (between family members). If the visits only serve to drive people further apart, then it is better not to visit, and to allow other means of keeping in touch to suffice, such as phone calls and the like. But it is better to strive to deal with the causes of these feelings and problems with your aunt.
5. Ending disputes and fixing ties with Kinship
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
Question: My Uncle has told my mother that he doesn't want to see our family ever again. What is our duty in this position considering we did nothing to upset him or his family?
Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
You have to look for the reason, for it is not normal for something like this to happen without a reason, but that reason may be unknown to you. If you did not do anything deliberate to upset him, then do not feel responsible for what has happened and for his cutting off ties with you. You have to be patient and treat him well even if he mistreats you. Perhaps he will come back to you when he sees your good attitude.
In many cases, this kind of rigid and harsh-hearted attitude is temporary and does not last for long; it may stem from a particular incident which made the person angry, but when his anger has calmed down and some time has passed, things go back to the way they were, or close enough. Perhaps some extreme circumstances coincided with a bad attitude, hatred or an inclination to bear grudges, which resulted in a long-term estrangement.
In this case all parties concerned should be given time to calm down gradually, so that the bad feelings may be reduced; at the same time, the person who has cut off ties of kinship should be reminded of the rights of his relatives, what Allaah and His Messenger say on this matter, and the stern warning issued to those who cut off ties of kinship. If any of the parties involved have been wronged, things must be put right as quickly as possible, and there is nothing wrong with trying to heal the wounded pride of the party that has been wronged, by apologizing or getting together for the purpose of reconciliation, etc., as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “and adjust all matters of difference among you” [al-Anfaal 8:1].
We hope that the one who undertakes to reconcile between them will earn the reward mentioned in the aayah (interpretation of the meaning); “There is no good in most of their secret talks save (in) him who orders Sadaqah (charity in Allaah’s Cause), or Ma‘roof (Islamic Monotheism and all the good and righteous deeds which Allaah has ordained), or conciliation between mankind; and he who does this, seeking the good Pleasure of Allaah, We shall give him a great reward” [al-Nisaa’ 4:114] Sometimes it may be better to avoid getting involved in looking for a reconciliation until things have calmed down and people are more likely to agree to open the issue and listen to those who want to reconcile between them and accept their suggestions. We ask Allaah for guidance.
6. When Reconciliation of Ties fails
www.islam-qa.com
Question: My sister is not speaking to me after we had an argument in which she was in the wrong. But I still spoke to her and greeted her with salaam, but she told me, I do not want to speak to you. Does it mean that my deeds are not accepted?.
Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
If the argument was not caused by you and you have tried to uphold ties with her, and she is the one who refused, then there is no sin on you, but you should carry on trying to uphold ties with her and treating her kindly as much as you can, and ask Allaah to reconcile between you and protect you from the tricks of the shaytaan.
Muslim (2565) narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The gates of Paradise are opened on Mondays and Thursdays, and every slave who does not associate anything with Allaah is forgiven, except a man between whom and his brother is some grudge. It is said: Wait for these two until they reconcile, wait for these two until they reconcile, wait for these two until they reconcile.” This is an important hadeeth that points to the seriousness of severing ties and bearing grudges, and shows that they are impediments to forgiveness.
Ibn Raslaan said: It seems that if one of them seeks to reconcile with the other but he does not accept it, the one who seeks reconciliation will be forgiven. End quote from Sharh al-Zarqaani ‘ala al-Muwatta’ (4/335). Al-Bukhaari (6237) and Muslim (2561) narrated from Abu Ayyoob (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “It is not permissible for a Muslim to forsake his brother for more than three days, each of them turning away from the other when they meet. The better of them is the first to greet the other with salaam.”
Ibn ‘Abd al-Barr said: They differed concerning two who forsake one another and one of them greets the other with salaam – does that mean that he is no longer forsaking him or not? Ibn Wahb narrated that Maalik said: If he greets him with salaam then he is no longer forsaking him. It is as if – and Allaah knows best – he based this on the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), “The better of them is the first to greet the other with salaam.”
Abu Bakr al-Athram said: I said to Ahmad ibn Hanbal: If he greets him with salaam, will that be enough with no further need to speak to him? He said: That depends on whether he used to do that before he forsook him. If it is known that he used to speak to him then merely greeting him with salaam does not mean that he has stopped forsaking him, unless it is a kind of greeting that is not immediately followed by turning away.
Something similar was also narrated from Maalik. It was said to Maalik: A man forsakes his brother then he greets him first without speaking to him any further. He said: If the other man is not causing any offence to him, then that is not sufficient to end the rift unless he speaks to him and lets go of the reason why he forsook him. End quote from al-Tamheed (6/127).
Al-Nawawi said in Sharh Muslim: “The better of them is the first to greet the other with salaam” – this is the evidence for the view of al-Shaafa’i and Maalik and those who agree with them, that the greeting of salaam ends the forsaking, and removes sin from the person. But Ahmad and Ibn al-Qaasim al-Maaliki said: If he is still causing him offence, then the greeting does not end the forsaking. End quote.
To sum up, the fact that you greeted your sister and spoke to her means that you are no longer guilty of the sin of forsaking and severing ties. We ask Allaah to accept good deeds from us and from you.
And Allaah knows best.
7. Problems with Uninvited Relatives/Guests
www.islam-qa.com
Question: I am a 24 year old doctor. My problem started five years ago with my maternal uncle (45) when I was 19 years old. He used to come to our house every day and spend a few hours there without permission or asking permission (for two years in a row), in order to spend his free time there. There were problems and arguments between my father and my mother, and he was the cause of the unrest in the family. Every time I said to my mother “Why don’t we kick him out?” she would say, “That is not permissible.” My anger got so bad that I did not take my exams that year, and I failed that year, in protest at my uncle’s behaviour in our house. My uncle has gone, but the psychological problems and memories of not taking the exam that day are still with me. Every time I see my uncle on various occasions I feel very angry.
My question is: What do you advise me to do? Can I ask for financial compensation from my uncle – even if it is only a little –for the psychological problems that I suffered so that we could restore the relationship between us, especially since I do not want to sever the ties of kinship? What is the Islamic position on this?.
Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
We advise you to forget what happened in the past between you and your uncle. We think that you have given the matter more attention than it deserves. Your uncle’s entering the house without asking permission is not permissible for him, even if he is entering the house of his sister. Seeking permission is obligatory in his case, and your father’s approval of your uncle visiting his house is what matters. He agreed to that, as is suggested by the fact that he continued to visit him for such a long time. The fact that you did not take the exam that year and you failed is something for which you must bear responsibility. Most Muslim families have their problems, and the wise man is the one who knows how to deal with these problems and tries to solve the problems or reduce them.
We do not think that your giving up your studying for the exam served any purpose, and you must bear responsibility for that. You should not keep on thinking about what is past, for that will cause psychological problems for yourself and your family. Forget about it and get on with your work; seek the help of Allaah and uphold the ties of kinship and give advice to those who are erring. Do not pay any attention to what the shaytaan makes attractive to you, namely the idea of bringing a case against your uncle and taking financial compensation from him. In addition to the fact that this case may fail in court, it will cause more rifts in your family, and we would not like you to be the cause of that. Mercy should prevail over anger and the desire for revenge. We ask Allaah to open your heart and to bring you and your family together
And Allaah is the Source of strength.
8. Corrupt Relatives
www.islam-qa.com
Question: I have a problem with my aunt. She hurts our family and especially my mother, her sisters. She refuses to get married (she is almost 40), she lives on her own and goes to haram parties and weddings, she dresses unislamically and behaves in an unislamic manner and mixes with non-mahram men. She is suspicious of my mother and does bad things to my mother or us children. She is infected with Hepatitis and she tries to give me her disease on purpose by eating from my food or drinking from my cup or using my lip gloss when I don't know about it. She tells me she doesn't like my mother but pretends to be happy when my mother is around. She tries to make me go to the haram places she goes when I visit her. She cut off ties from the whole family and said that she hates everyone except us children but she treats us bad. She is always working for the needs of other women who backbite and look down on her and she does more for them than her own sisters and then she makes us kids work on things for those women. Me and my mother don't know what to do?? We can't cut off relations but the more we are around her the more my eemaan goes down and the more she hurts us. What should we do?.
Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
The command to uphold the ties of kinship is one of the first commands that were revealed in Islam. It is indicated in a number of proven saheeh ahaadeeth, such as the following:
(a) The story of how ‘Umar ibn ‘Absah became Muslim. He asked the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): With what were you sent? He (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “He has sent me to uphold the ties of kinship, to break the idols and to proclaim the Oneness of Allaah, not associating anything with Him.” Narrated by Muslim (832).
(b) The story of Abu Sufyaan and Heraclius when he sent for him and said: What does he – meaning the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) – enjoin upon you? He said: He enjoins us to pray, give charity, be chaste and uphold family ties.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (7) and Muslim (1773).
In many verses Allaah warns us against severing the ties of kinship, and states that there will be numerous punishments for the one who does so, which includes incurring the curse of Allaah and a bad end. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And those who break the Covenant of Allaah, after its ratification, and sever that which Allaah has commanded to be joined (i.e. they sever the bond of kinship and are not good to their relatives), and work mischief in the land, on them is the curse (i.e. they will be far away from Allaah’s Mercy), and for them is the unhappy (evil) home (i.e. Hell)” [al-Ra’d 13:25]
Some relatives may cause the one who upholds ties with them to fall into sin, especially if he is unable to change the evil that they are doing. They may insist – for example – on listening to music and mixing and indulging in swearing, mocking and backbiting. Such people have an effect on their visitors and the one who seeks to uphold ties with them. The Muslim has to advise his relatives as much as he is able to. They are more entitled to this advice than others, but only if that will benefit them, whether he is certain of that or thinks it most likely. But if he sees that they are persisting in sin and especially major sins, and that is affecting his faith and religious commitment, then it is sufficient for him to uphold ties with them in the minimum fashion, so that he will not be severing the ties of kinship. So instead of visiting them, he can just call them on the phone, and if he visits them he does not have to stay for long, and so on.
But this should after trying his best to advise them and exhort them and bring them back to the right way, as well as turning to Allaah in du’aa’, asking Him to guide them to the straight path.
And Allaah knows best.
9. Family problems
www.islam-qa.com
Question: My mother is a very pious lady. She is someone who measures our family success not by money or gold, but by the depth of our faith and the love that we share. Praise be to Allah. However, from my childhood, I've been seeing family conflict with her and my close relatives, such as my aunts (her sister-in-law), my cousins (daughters of her brother-in-law). Those relatives always make baseless slanderous remarks and they shamelessly lie. They are never thankful for my parents' contribution to the family; instead, they talk behind our back and make fun of her religious commitment. Still my mom tried to uphold the ties of kinship and was patient with them. Sometimes she complained to my father, saying why he doesn't ask his nieces to stop insulting her. But he never really did anything, saying that it might wreck the relationship forever and asked her to be patient. So my mom took the mistreatment, did opposite of which they have done to her, only to earn pleasure and mercy of Allah. But recently, the situation got worse and my cousins' husband insulted my father as a result of the fight.
So my father has decided to cut off the relationship with them. And my aunt (my father's sister) also asked my mother to stop contacting with them. In the middle of this mess, I am really lost and I don't know how to deal with it. My parents asked me strictly not to contact with them. But knowing that those who cut off the family ties, Allah said that He will cut him off in the Day of Judgment, I talk to them once in a while; make phone calls on their birthdays, although they don’t. But I know that if my parents come to know this, they will get hurt and will be angry with me. I told my mother to forgive them and start contacting with them, and she says that she wants to, but she doesn't wanna go through the misery and the insults that she had to go through for years. And she says that she has been asked not to keep contact with them. What would be the correct way to deal with such a situation? Should I make an effort to uphold the kinship with the people who insulted my parents? How to put an end to this mess?.
Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly: We ask Allaah to reward you and your mother greatly and to reunite you with your relatives in a good way, and to guide them and set them straight. Upholding the ties of kinship is very important in Islam, and it includes tangible and intangible matters, of which the intangible matters are far more important. The tangible matters include being generous towards them with your wealth and the intangible matters include enjoining what is good and forbidding what is evil. This is the most important form of upholding ties of kinship.
In the event that these relatives are misguided and corrupt, and the Muslim fears that he may be influenced by them, then he should forsake them in a good way, which does not involve causing harm or severing ties of kinship. He should make a lot of du’aa’ for them and exhort them and remind them by means of letters, phone calls and other means which will maintain ties and not cut them off, but without letting them influence him.
Secondly: You have to uphold ties of kinship even if your father tells you not to. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no obedience if it involves disobedience towards the Creator. Obedience is only with regard to that which is right and proper.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (6380) and Muslim 91840).
But it is not permissible for you to upset your father by openly going against him. You can uphold ties of kinship with your relatives without telling him about that, and you can keep trying to end the conflict between him and his relatives. But we advise you to look for relatives who do not openly commit immoral actions, lest they have any influence on your household. And strive to look for those among them who are religiously committed and good. With such people it would be a loss to sever ties with them, and you will have a great reward for upholding ties between them and your family.
Thirdly: There are some things which will help to uphold ties between relatives, and we advise you to tell your family and relatives about them:
1. Tell them all that it is obligatory to uphold ties of kinship and it is haraam to sever them.
2. Tell them what upholding ties of kinship really means, and that it is not responding in kind, rather it means upholding ties with the one who cuts you off and offering kindness in return for bad treatment.
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that a man said: O Messenger of Allaah, I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off. I treat them well, but they abuse me. I am patient and kind towards them, but they insult me. He said: “If you are as you say, then it is as if you are putting hot ashes in their mouths. Allaah will continue to support you as long as you continue to do that.” Narrated by Muslim (2558).
Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “Abuse me” (lit. behave in an ignorant manner towards me) means they mistreat me. Ignorance here refers to bad speech. What this hadeeth means is that it will be like feeding them hot ashes. This is a metaphor for the pain they will feel, like the pain of one who eats hot ashes. There will be no sin on this doer of good, rather they will be sinning greatly for cutting him off and causing him harm. And it was said that what is meant is that by treating them kindly you will make them feel ashamed of themselves because of how kindly you treat them and how badly they have treated you. And it was said that what they receive of kindness from you will turn into ashes that will burn their insides. Sharh Muslim (16/115).
3. Forgive them if they do anything wrong or upset you.
4. Make your visits brief and avoid joking. Perhaps visiting too often with transgressions of sharee’ah or overdoing permissible things is one of the reasons that led to them severing ties.
5. Try to avoid living too close to relatives. Perhaps living too close is what causes people to sever ties, either because of the children or the wives or some other reason.
It was narrated that ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab (may Allaah be pleased with him) wrote to his governors saying: “Tell relatives to visit one another and not to live next to one another.”
Al-Ghazaali said, commenting on ‘Umar’s words: He said that because living next to one another may lead to conflicts and may lead to alienation and severing of ties.” Ihya’ ‘Uloom al-Deen (2/216).
Aktham ibn Sayfi said: If you live further away from one another you will have greater love for one another.”
6. Not listening to trouble-makers who try to cause problems between a man and his family, or who hate to see a family united, for they are malicious gossips who commit major sins.
7. Seek the help of Allaah by calling upon Him (du’aa’) in your prayer and at the end of the night, asking Him to guide your relatives to the best of attitudes and deeds.
And Allaah knows best.
10. Dealing with hurtful Relatives
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
Question: This is regarding family matters and disputes. I have a maternal uncle who creates alot of trouble for my family. His wife and children have even went to the limits of taking my mother to court, and falsely bearing witness that she physically assaulted them and threatened to kill them. There are numerous things they do, but, my uncle after a few months fights with his children and comes back and asks my mother for forgiveness. She forgives him, and he starts pretending he is a maskeen. But, he continues to support his children and wife who hurt my mother numerously.
Anyway, I asked my mother, NOT to talk to him anymore. She claims we have to forget and forgive. But, surely there are limitations. Anyway, is it wrong to ask my mother, not to associate with him anymore. Is it wrong for me to continue to refuse to have anything to do with him or his family. I DO NOT wish to forget or forgive, especially, when there is no change in his behavior. Any Advice is appreciated.
Answer: Praise be to Allah.
If you want to deal with him on the basis of justice, then it is permissible for you to respond in like to his unkind words, as Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): "And if you punish (your enemy), then punish them with the like of that with which you were afflicted." [al-Nahl 16:126].
But if you bear it with patience, that will be better for you, as Allah says at the end of the same aayah (interpretation of the meaning): "But if you endure patiently, verily, it is better for al-saabireen (the patient ones)." [al-Nahl 16:126] If you want to turn enmity into love, then treat him well, even if he treats you badly, as Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): "The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better, then verily! He between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend." [Fussilat 41:34]
The words, "The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal" mean that there is a huge difference between the two. "Repel (the evil) with one which is better," means that when someone treats you badly, answer back with something better, as 'Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) said: "There is no better punishment for the person who sinned by being bad to you, than your obeying Allah by being good to him in return." (Tafseer Ibn Katheer).
A man came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and said: "O Messenger of Allah, I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off. I treat them well, but they treat me badly. I try to be kind to them, but they are cruel to me." He said: "If you are as you say, it is as if you are putting hot ashes in their mouths. You will continue to have support from Allah against them so long as you continue doing that." (Reported by Muslim, no. 2558)
Our advice to you, our sister, is to be tolerant and forgiving. Follow your mother's advice. It is clear from your question that this man has room to regret and retract his bad actions. Allah tells us (interpretation of the meaning): "whoever forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is due from Allah" [al-Shoora 42:40]
However, all of this does not prevent us from protecting ourselves from the evil and harm that such relatives may cause. If going to their houses, for example, will cause some kind of offence or harm, then the relationship can be limited to telephone calls, kind words, the occasional gift and so on. The relationship can be maintained at a distance, if being too close will cause problems.
We ask Allah to guide us all, to help us not to bear any grudges towards anyone, and to treat one another properly. May Allah bless our Prophet Muhammad.
AND ALLAH KNOWS BEST
==========================
Further Reading:-
Islamic Manners (5): Joining the Ties of Kinship – Abu Rumaysah
http://www.islaam.net/main/display_article_printview.php?id=904
Joining the Ties of Kinship by Imâm al-Madîna al-Munawarrah 'Alî Abd-ur-Rahmân al-Hudhaifî
http://www.islaam.net/main/display_article_printview.php?id=1142
The Muslim Woman and Her Relatives - The Ideal Muslimah [Chapter 7] by Dr. Muhammad Ali Al-Hashimi
http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/humanrelations/womeninislam/idealmuslimah/chapter7.html
Advice on Establishing an Islamic Home - Sheikh Muhammad Salih al-Munajjid
http://www.darussalam.com/product_info.php?cPath=13&products_id=468
I Pray this reaches you in the Best of Imaan and Health.
Unfortunately, this Ummah has reached a stage that we have started fighting amongst ourselves. And one of the worst of these acts are that of severing Family Ties. Many people are not aware of the importance of Family Ties, so Insha’Allah i've compiled some Fatwas to give you and understanding of why we should strive to uphold family ties and how we should deal with certain problems we may have.
“Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship? Such are they whom Allâh has cursed, so that He has made them deaf and blinded their sight.” (Muhammad 47:22 - 23)
================================
1. Upholding The Ties Of Kinship
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
Question: What is the meaning of silat al-rahm (upholding the ties of kinship)?
Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
Islam calls for the upholding of the ties of kinship because of the great effect that this has on achieving social cohesion and perpetuating cooperation and love among the Muslims. Upholding the ties of kinship is a duty because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “… and fear Allaah through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of ) the wombs (kinship)…” [al-Nisa’ 4:1]
“And give to the kindred his due and to the miskeen (poor)…” [al-Isra’ 17:26]
Allaah has warned us against cutting the ties of kinship (interpretation of the meaning): “And those who break the Covenant of Allaah, after its ratification, and sever that which Allaah has commanded to be joined (i.e., they sever the bond of kinship and are not good to their relatives), and work mischief in the land, on them is the curse (i.e., they will be far away from Allaah’s Mercy); And for them is the unhappy (evil) home (i.e., Hell).” [al-Ra’d 13:26]
What punishment could be worse than the curse and the evil home that awaits those who sever the ties of kinship ? They deny themselves the reward for upholding the ties of kinship in the Hereafter, in addition to denying themselves much good in this world, which is a long life and ample provision. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever would like his rizq (provision) to be increased and his life to be extended, should uphold the ties of kinship.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 5986 and Muslim, 2557). Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘Allaah created the universe, and when He had finished, kinship (al-rahm) stood up and said, “This is the standing up of one who seeks Your protection from being cut off.” Allaah said, “Yes, would it please you if I were to take care of those who take care of you and cut off those who cut you off?” It said, “Of course.” Allaah said, “Then your prayer in granted.”’” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “Recite, if you wish (interpretation of the meaning): ‘Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship? Such are they whom Allaah has cursed, so that He has made them deaf and blinded their sight.’ [Muhammad 47:22-23].” (Saheeh Muslim bi Sharh al-Nawawi, 16/112).
Once we understand this, we need to ask: who is the one who upholds the ties of kinship? This was explained by the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when he said: “The one who maintains a relationship with his relatives only because they maintain a relationship with him is not truly upholding the ties of kinship. The one who truly upholds those ties is the one who does so even if they break off the relationship.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 5645). If the relationship is merely one of returning favours and giving like in return for like, and not taking the initiative, then this is not upholding the ties of kinship, it is only responding in kind. Some people follow the principle of giving a gift in return for a gift, and visiting in return for a visit, so if someone does not give them a gift, they do not give him a gift, and if he does not visit them, they do not visit him. This is not what is meant by upholding the ties of kinship at all, and this is not what is required by Islam. This is merely responding in kind, it is not the higher degree which Islam urges us to reach. A man said to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), “I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off. I treat them well, but they abuse me. I am patient and kind towards them, but they insult me.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “If you are as you say, then it is as if you are putting hot dust in their mouths. Allaah will continue to support you as long as you continue to do that.” (Reported by Muslim with commentary by al-Nawawi, 16/115). Who could bear to put up with hot dust? We seek refuge with Allaah from cutting off the ties of kinship.
2. Who are the kindred (arhaam) with whom one must uphold the ties of kinship?
www.islam-qa.com
Question: Allaah, may He be exalted, and His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) have enjoined the upholding of the ties of kinship.
My question is: Who are the kindred with whom we must uphold the ties of kinship? Are they on the father’s side, the mother’s side or the wife’s side?.
Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly: The scholars differed as to the definition of the kindred with whom ties of kinship must be upheld. There are three views:
1- That it means one’s mahrams (those whom one is forbidden to marry)
2- That it means those who will inherit from you
3- That it means all blood relatives, whether they are heirs or not.
The correct scholarly view is the third one, that it refers to all blood relatives – not relatives through breastfeeding – on both the father’s side and the mother’s. As for the wife’s relatives, they are not kindred (arhaam) for the husband, and the husband’s relatives are not kindred for the wife.
Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked: Who are one's kindred and relatives? Some people say that the wife’s relatives are not kindred. He replied: The kindred (arhaam) are the blood relatives on your mother’s and father’s sides. They are the ones meant in the verses in Soorah al-Anfaal and Soorah al-Ahzaab in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “But kindred by blood are nearer to one another (regarding inheritance) in the decree ordained by Allaah” [al-Anfaal 8:57; al-Ahzaab 33:6]
The closest of them are fathers, mothers, grandparents, children and their children, no matter how far the line of descent goes. Then the next closest and the next closest of brothers and their children, paternal uncles and aunts and their children, and maternal uncles and aunts and their children. It is narrated in a saheeh report from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) that someone asked him: “Whom should I honour, O Messenger of Allaah?” He said, “Your mother.” He said: “Then whom?” He said: “Your mother.” He said: “Then whom?” He said, “Your mother.” He said: “Then whom?” He said: “Then your father, then the next closest and the next closest.” Narrated by Imam Muslim in his Saheeh. And there are many similar ahaadeeth. With regard to the wife’s relatives, they are not kindred of her husband, because they are not his relatives, but they are kindred of his children from her. And Allaah is the Source of strength. Fataawa Islamiyyah (4/195)
The relatives of each spouse are not kindred of the other spouse, but they should still be treated kindly, because that is part of the good treatment of the spouses towards one another, and it is one of the ways of increasing love.
Secondly: Upholding the ties of kinship may be done in many ways, such as visiting, giving charity, treating them kindly, visiting them when they are sick, enjoining them to do what is good and forbidding them to do what is evil, and so on.
Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Upholding the ties of kinship means kind treatment of relatives according to the position of each of them. Sometimes it may be by giving money, sometimes by serving them, sometimes by visiting them, or greeting them, and so on. End quote. Sharh Muslim (2/201).
Shaykh Muhammad al-Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Upholding the ties of kinship depends on what is customary among people, because it is not defined in the Qur’aan and Sunnah in precise terms of type or amount. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) did not limit it to any specific thing, rather it is general in meaning. Hence reference should be made to what is customary. Whatever is customarily regarded as upholding the ties of kinship is upholding the ties of kinship, and what the people customarily regard as breaking the ties of kinship is breaking the ties of kinship. End quote. Sharh Riyadh al-Saaliheen (5/215)
And Allaah knows best.
3. Upholding the ties of kinship is obligatory to the extent that one is able to do it
Sheikh Ibn Baz
Question: I have sisters who are married and my mother is married to someone other than my father, because my father is deceased. I work in the army and I want to go and see them but my circumstances do not permit it. I am also married and if I go there and leave my family, I would have to stay there for at least three days, during which time I would be worrying about my wife and children. Am I severing the ties of kinship, given that I have not been in touch with them for ten months?.
Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
Upholding the ties of kinship is obligatory to the extent that one is able to do it, starting with the closest and then the next closest. There is a great deal of goodness in it and it serves many interests. Severing the ties of kinship is a major sin, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship? Such are they whom Allâh has cursed, so that He has made them deaf and blinded their sight.” (Muhammad 47:22 - 23)
And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No one who severs the ties of kinship will enter Paradise.” [Sahih Muslim]. When a man asked him, “O Messenger of Allaah, whom should I honour?” He said: “Your mother.” He said: “Then whom?” He said: “Your mother.” He said: “Then whom?” He said: “Your mother.” He said: “Then whom?” The fourth time he said: “Your father, then the next closest and the next closest.” [Sahih Muslim] In al-Saheeh it is narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever would like his provision to be increased and his lifespan to be extended, let him uphold the ties of kinship.”
There are many ahaadeeth on this topic. What you have to do is to uphold the ties of kinship to the extent that you are able to, by visiting them if possible, or by writing or phoning. It is also prescribed for you to uphold kinship ties financially too, if the relative is poor. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “So keep your duty to Allaah and fear Him as much as you can” [al-Taghaabun 64:16] “Allaah burdens not a person beyond his scope” [al-Baqarah 2:286] And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When I command you to do something, do as much of it as you can.” Saheeh – agreed upon.
May Allaah help us all to do that which pleases Him. Fataawa Ibn Baaz, 9/414.
4. Abandoning Kinship
Shaykh Muhammad al-Duwaysh
Question: Should I visit my (paternal) aunt, knowing that she does not feel comfortable with me in her house, and after every visit she causes endless problems? In order to prevent further problems, I have decided not to visit her, but I greet her with salaams whenever I see her.
Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
The purpose of visiting is to uphold the ties of kinship and to strengthen the bonds (between family members). If the visits only serve to drive people further apart, then it is better not to visit, and to allow other means of keeping in touch to suffice, such as phone calls and the like. But it is better to strive to deal with the causes of these feelings and problems with your aunt.
5. Ending disputes and fixing ties with Kinship
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
Question: My Uncle has told my mother that he doesn't want to see our family ever again. What is our duty in this position considering we did nothing to upset him or his family?
Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
You have to look for the reason, for it is not normal for something like this to happen without a reason, but that reason may be unknown to you. If you did not do anything deliberate to upset him, then do not feel responsible for what has happened and for his cutting off ties with you. You have to be patient and treat him well even if he mistreats you. Perhaps he will come back to you when he sees your good attitude.
In many cases, this kind of rigid and harsh-hearted attitude is temporary and does not last for long; it may stem from a particular incident which made the person angry, but when his anger has calmed down and some time has passed, things go back to the way they were, or close enough. Perhaps some extreme circumstances coincided with a bad attitude, hatred or an inclination to bear grudges, which resulted in a long-term estrangement.
In this case all parties concerned should be given time to calm down gradually, so that the bad feelings may be reduced; at the same time, the person who has cut off ties of kinship should be reminded of the rights of his relatives, what Allaah and His Messenger say on this matter, and the stern warning issued to those who cut off ties of kinship. If any of the parties involved have been wronged, things must be put right as quickly as possible, and there is nothing wrong with trying to heal the wounded pride of the party that has been wronged, by apologizing or getting together for the purpose of reconciliation, etc., as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “and adjust all matters of difference among you” [al-Anfaal 8:1].
We hope that the one who undertakes to reconcile between them will earn the reward mentioned in the aayah (interpretation of the meaning); “There is no good in most of their secret talks save (in) him who orders Sadaqah (charity in Allaah’s Cause), or Ma‘roof (Islamic Monotheism and all the good and righteous deeds which Allaah has ordained), or conciliation between mankind; and he who does this, seeking the good Pleasure of Allaah, We shall give him a great reward” [al-Nisaa’ 4:114] Sometimes it may be better to avoid getting involved in looking for a reconciliation until things have calmed down and people are more likely to agree to open the issue and listen to those who want to reconcile between them and accept their suggestions. We ask Allaah for guidance.
6. When Reconciliation of Ties fails
www.islam-qa.com
Question: My sister is not speaking to me after we had an argument in which she was in the wrong. But I still spoke to her and greeted her with salaam, but she told me, I do not want to speak to you. Does it mean that my deeds are not accepted?.
Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
If the argument was not caused by you and you have tried to uphold ties with her, and she is the one who refused, then there is no sin on you, but you should carry on trying to uphold ties with her and treating her kindly as much as you can, and ask Allaah to reconcile between you and protect you from the tricks of the shaytaan.
Muslim (2565) narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The gates of Paradise are opened on Mondays and Thursdays, and every slave who does not associate anything with Allaah is forgiven, except a man between whom and his brother is some grudge. It is said: Wait for these two until they reconcile, wait for these two until they reconcile, wait for these two until they reconcile.” This is an important hadeeth that points to the seriousness of severing ties and bearing grudges, and shows that they are impediments to forgiveness.
Ibn Raslaan said: It seems that if one of them seeks to reconcile with the other but he does not accept it, the one who seeks reconciliation will be forgiven. End quote from Sharh al-Zarqaani ‘ala al-Muwatta’ (4/335). Al-Bukhaari (6237) and Muslim (2561) narrated from Abu Ayyoob (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “It is not permissible for a Muslim to forsake his brother for more than three days, each of them turning away from the other when they meet. The better of them is the first to greet the other with salaam.”
Ibn ‘Abd al-Barr said: They differed concerning two who forsake one another and one of them greets the other with salaam – does that mean that he is no longer forsaking him or not? Ibn Wahb narrated that Maalik said: If he greets him with salaam then he is no longer forsaking him. It is as if – and Allaah knows best – he based this on the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), “The better of them is the first to greet the other with salaam.”
Abu Bakr al-Athram said: I said to Ahmad ibn Hanbal: If he greets him with salaam, will that be enough with no further need to speak to him? He said: That depends on whether he used to do that before he forsook him. If it is known that he used to speak to him then merely greeting him with salaam does not mean that he has stopped forsaking him, unless it is a kind of greeting that is not immediately followed by turning away.
Something similar was also narrated from Maalik. It was said to Maalik: A man forsakes his brother then he greets him first without speaking to him any further. He said: If the other man is not causing any offence to him, then that is not sufficient to end the rift unless he speaks to him and lets go of the reason why he forsook him. End quote from al-Tamheed (6/127).
Al-Nawawi said in Sharh Muslim: “The better of them is the first to greet the other with salaam” – this is the evidence for the view of al-Shaafa’i and Maalik and those who agree with them, that the greeting of salaam ends the forsaking, and removes sin from the person. But Ahmad and Ibn al-Qaasim al-Maaliki said: If he is still causing him offence, then the greeting does not end the forsaking. End quote.
To sum up, the fact that you greeted your sister and spoke to her means that you are no longer guilty of the sin of forsaking and severing ties. We ask Allaah to accept good deeds from us and from you.
And Allaah knows best.
7. Problems with Uninvited Relatives/Guests
www.islam-qa.com
Question: I am a 24 year old doctor. My problem started five years ago with my maternal uncle (45) when I was 19 years old. He used to come to our house every day and spend a few hours there without permission or asking permission (for two years in a row), in order to spend his free time there. There were problems and arguments between my father and my mother, and he was the cause of the unrest in the family. Every time I said to my mother “Why don’t we kick him out?” she would say, “That is not permissible.” My anger got so bad that I did not take my exams that year, and I failed that year, in protest at my uncle’s behaviour in our house. My uncle has gone, but the psychological problems and memories of not taking the exam that day are still with me. Every time I see my uncle on various occasions I feel very angry.
My question is: What do you advise me to do? Can I ask for financial compensation from my uncle – even if it is only a little –for the psychological problems that I suffered so that we could restore the relationship between us, especially since I do not want to sever the ties of kinship? What is the Islamic position on this?.
Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
We advise you to forget what happened in the past between you and your uncle. We think that you have given the matter more attention than it deserves. Your uncle’s entering the house without asking permission is not permissible for him, even if he is entering the house of his sister. Seeking permission is obligatory in his case, and your father’s approval of your uncle visiting his house is what matters. He agreed to that, as is suggested by the fact that he continued to visit him for such a long time. The fact that you did not take the exam that year and you failed is something for which you must bear responsibility. Most Muslim families have their problems, and the wise man is the one who knows how to deal with these problems and tries to solve the problems or reduce them.
We do not think that your giving up your studying for the exam served any purpose, and you must bear responsibility for that. You should not keep on thinking about what is past, for that will cause psychological problems for yourself and your family. Forget about it and get on with your work; seek the help of Allaah and uphold the ties of kinship and give advice to those who are erring. Do not pay any attention to what the shaytaan makes attractive to you, namely the idea of bringing a case against your uncle and taking financial compensation from him. In addition to the fact that this case may fail in court, it will cause more rifts in your family, and we would not like you to be the cause of that. Mercy should prevail over anger and the desire for revenge. We ask Allaah to open your heart and to bring you and your family together
And Allaah is the Source of strength.
8. Corrupt Relatives
www.islam-qa.com
Question: I have a problem with my aunt. She hurts our family and especially my mother, her sisters. She refuses to get married (she is almost 40), she lives on her own and goes to haram parties and weddings, she dresses unislamically and behaves in an unislamic manner and mixes with non-mahram men. She is suspicious of my mother and does bad things to my mother or us children. She is infected with Hepatitis and she tries to give me her disease on purpose by eating from my food or drinking from my cup or using my lip gloss when I don't know about it. She tells me she doesn't like my mother but pretends to be happy when my mother is around. She tries to make me go to the haram places she goes when I visit her. She cut off ties from the whole family and said that she hates everyone except us children but she treats us bad. She is always working for the needs of other women who backbite and look down on her and she does more for them than her own sisters and then she makes us kids work on things for those women. Me and my mother don't know what to do?? We can't cut off relations but the more we are around her the more my eemaan goes down and the more she hurts us. What should we do?.
Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
The command to uphold the ties of kinship is one of the first commands that were revealed in Islam. It is indicated in a number of proven saheeh ahaadeeth, such as the following:
(a) The story of how ‘Umar ibn ‘Absah became Muslim. He asked the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): With what were you sent? He (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “He has sent me to uphold the ties of kinship, to break the idols and to proclaim the Oneness of Allaah, not associating anything with Him.” Narrated by Muslim (832).
(b) The story of Abu Sufyaan and Heraclius when he sent for him and said: What does he – meaning the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) – enjoin upon you? He said: He enjoins us to pray, give charity, be chaste and uphold family ties.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (7) and Muslim (1773).
In many verses Allaah warns us against severing the ties of kinship, and states that there will be numerous punishments for the one who does so, which includes incurring the curse of Allaah and a bad end. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And those who break the Covenant of Allaah, after its ratification, and sever that which Allaah has commanded to be joined (i.e. they sever the bond of kinship and are not good to their relatives), and work mischief in the land, on them is the curse (i.e. they will be far away from Allaah’s Mercy), and for them is the unhappy (evil) home (i.e. Hell)” [al-Ra’d 13:25]
Some relatives may cause the one who upholds ties with them to fall into sin, especially if he is unable to change the evil that they are doing. They may insist – for example – on listening to music and mixing and indulging in swearing, mocking and backbiting. Such people have an effect on their visitors and the one who seeks to uphold ties with them. The Muslim has to advise his relatives as much as he is able to. They are more entitled to this advice than others, but only if that will benefit them, whether he is certain of that or thinks it most likely. But if he sees that they are persisting in sin and especially major sins, and that is affecting his faith and religious commitment, then it is sufficient for him to uphold ties with them in the minimum fashion, so that he will not be severing the ties of kinship. So instead of visiting them, he can just call them on the phone, and if he visits them he does not have to stay for long, and so on.
But this should after trying his best to advise them and exhort them and bring them back to the right way, as well as turning to Allaah in du’aa’, asking Him to guide them to the straight path.
And Allaah knows best.
9. Family problems
www.islam-qa.com
Question: My mother is a very pious lady. She is someone who measures our family success not by money or gold, but by the depth of our faith and the love that we share. Praise be to Allah. However, from my childhood, I've been seeing family conflict with her and my close relatives, such as my aunts (her sister-in-law), my cousins (daughters of her brother-in-law). Those relatives always make baseless slanderous remarks and they shamelessly lie. They are never thankful for my parents' contribution to the family; instead, they talk behind our back and make fun of her religious commitment. Still my mom tried to uphold the ties of kinship and was patient with them. Sometimes she complained to my father, saying why he doesn't ask his nieces to stop insulting her. But he never really did anything, saying that it might wreck the relationship forever and asked her to be patient. So my mom took the mistreatment, did opposite of which they have done to her, only to earn pleasure and mercy of Allah. But recently, the situation got worse and my cousins' husband insulted my father as a result of the fight.
So my father has decided to cut off the relationship with them. And my aunt (my father's sister) also asked my mother to stop contacting with them. In the middle of this mess, I am really lost and I don't know how to deal with it. My parents asked me strictly not to contact with them. But knowing that those who cut off the family ties, Allah said that He will cut him off in the Day of Judgment, I talk to them once in a while; make phone calls on their birthdays, although they don’t. But I know that if my parents come to know this, they will get hurt and will be angry with me. I told my mother to forgive them and start contacting with them, and she says that she wants to, but she doesn't wanna go through the misery and the insults that she had to go through for years. And she says that she has been asked not to keep contact with them. What would be the correct way to deal with such a situation? Should I make an effort to uphold the kinship with the people who insulted my parents? How to put an end to this mess?.
Answer: Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly: We ask Allaah to reward you and your mother greatly and to reunite you with your relatives in a good way, and to guide them and set them straight. Upholding the ties of kinship is very important in Islam, and it includes tangible and intangible matters, of which the intangible matters are far more important. The tangible matters include being generous towards them with your wealth and the intangible matters include enjoining what is good and forbidding what is evil. This is the most important form of upholding ties of kinship.
In the event that these relatives are misguided and corrupt, and the Muslim fears that he may be influenced by them, then he should forsake them in a good way, which does not involve causing harm or severing ties of kinship. He should make a lot of du’aa’ for them and exhort them and remind them by means of letters, phone calls and other means which will maintain ties and not cut them off, but without letting them influence him.
Secondly: You have to uphold ties of kinship even if your father tells you not to. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no obedience if it involves disobedience towards the Creator. Obedience is only with regard to that which is right and proper.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (6380) and Muslim 91840).
But it is not permissible for you to upset your father by openly going against him. You can uphold ties of kinship with your relatives without telling him about that, and you can keep trying to end the conflict between him and his relatives. But we advise you to look for relatives who do not openly commit immoral actions, lest they have any influence on your household. And strive to look for those among them who are religiously committed and good. With such people it would be a loss to sever ties with them, and you will have a great reward for upholding ties between them and your family.
Thirdly: There are some things which will help to uphold ties between relatives, and we advise you to tell your family and relatives about them:
1. Tell them all that it is obligatory to uphold ties of kinship and it is haraam to sever them.
2. Tell them what upholding ties of kinship really means, and that it is not responding in kind, rather it means upholding ties with the one who cuts you off and offering kindness in return for bad treatment.
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that a man said: O Messenger of Allaah, I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off. I treat them well, but they abuse me. I am patient and kind towards them, but they insult me. He said: “If you are as you say, then it is as if you are putting hot ashes in their mouths. Allaah will continue to support you as long as you continue to do that.” Narrated by Muslim (2558).
Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “Abuse me” (lit. behave in an ignorant manner towards me) means they mistreat me. Ignorance here refers to bad speech. What this hadeeth means is that it will be like feeding them hot ashes. This is a metaphor for the pain they will feel, like the pain of one who eats hot ashes. There will be no sin on this doer of good, rather they will be sinning greatly for cutting him off and causing him harm. And it was said that what is meant is that by treating them kindly you will make them feel ashamed of themselves because of how kindly you treat them and how badly they have treated you. And it was said that what they receive of kindness from you will turn into ashes that will burn their insides. Sharh Muslim (16/115).
3. Forgive them if they do anything wrong or upset you.
4. Make your visits brief and avoid joking. Perhaps visiting too often with transgressions of sharee’ah or overdoing permissible things is one of the reasons that led to them severing ties.
5. Try to avoid living too close to relatives. Perhaps living too close is what causes people to sever ties, either because of the children or the wives or some other reason.
It was narrated that ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab (may Allaah be pleased with him) wrote to his governors saying: “Tell relatives to visit one another and not to live next to one another.”
Al-Ghazaali said, commenting on ‘Umar’s words: He said that because living next to one another may lead to conflicts and may lead to alienation and severing of ties.” Ihya’ ‘Uloom al-Deen (2/216).
Aktham ibn Sayfi said: If you live further away from one another you will have greater love for one another.”
6. Not listening to trouble-makers who try to cause problems between a man and his family, or who hate to see a family united, for they are malicious gossips who commit major sins.
7. Seek the help of Allaah by calling upon Him (du’aa’) in your prayer and at the end of the night, asking Him to guide your relatives to the best of attitudes and deeds.
And Allaah knows best.
10. Dealing with hurtful Relatives
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
Question: This is regarding family matters and disputes. I have a maternal uncle who creates alot of trouble for my family. His wife and children have even went to the limits of taking my mother to court, and falsely bearing witness that she physically assaulted them and threatened to kill them. There are numerous things they do, but, my uncle after a few months fights with his children and comes back and asks my mother for forgiveness. She forgives him, and he starts pretending he is a maskeen. But, he continues to support his children and wife who hurt my mother numerously.
Anyway, I asked my mother, NOT to talk to him anymore. She claims we have to forget and forgive. But, surely there are limitations. Anyway, is it wrong to ask my mother, not to associate with him anymore. Is it wrong for me to continue to refuse to have anything to do with him or his family. I DO NOT wish to forget or forgive, especially, when there is no change in his behavior. Any Advice is appreciated.
Answer: Praise be to Allah.
If you want to deal with him on the basis of justice, then it is permissible for you to respond in like to his unkind words, as Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): "And if you punish (your enemy), then punish them with the like of that with which you were afflicted." [al-Nahl 16:126].
But if you bear it with patience, that will be better for you, as Allah says at the end of the same aayah (interpretation of the meaning): "But if you endure patiently, verily, it is better for al-saabireen (the patient ones)." [al-Nahl 16:126] If you want to turn enmity into love, then treat him well, even if he treats you badly, as Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): "The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better, then verily! He between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend." [Fussilat 41:34]
The words, "The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal" mean that there is a huge difference between the two. "Repel (the evil) with one which is better," means that when someone treats you badly, answer back with something better, as 'Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) said: "There is no better punishment for the person who sinned by being bad to you, than your obeying Allah by being good to him in return." (Tafseer Ibn Katheer).
A man came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and said: "O Messenger of Allah, I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off. I treat them well, but they treat me badly. I try to be kind to them, but they are cruel to me." He said: "If you are as you say, it is as if you are putting hot ashes in their mouths. You will continue to have support from Allah against them so long as you continue doing that." (Reported by Muslim, no. 2558)
Our advice to you, our sister, is to be tolerant and forgiving. Follow your mother's advice. It is clear from your question that this man has room to regret and retract his bad actions. Allah tells us (interpretation of the meaning): "whoever forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is due from Allah" [al-Shoora 42:40]
However, all of this does not prevent us from protecting ourselves from the evil and harm that such relatives may cause. If going to their houses, for example, will cause some kind of offence or harm, then the relationship can be limited to telephone calls, kind words, the occasional gift and so on. The relationship can be maintained at a distance, if being too close will cause problems.
We ask Allah to guide us all, to help us not to bear any grudges towards anyone, and to treat one another properly. May Allah bless our Prophet Muhammad.
AND ALLAH KNOWS BEST
==========================
Further Reading:-
Islamic Manners (5): Joining the Ties of Kinship – Abu Rumaysah
http://www.islaam.net/main/display_article_printview.php?id=904
Joining the Ties of Kinship by Imâm al-Madîna al-Munawarrah 'Alî Abd-ur-Rahmân al-Hudhaifî
http://www.islaam.net/main/display_article_printview.php?id=1142
The Muslim Woman and Her Relatives - The Ideal Muslimah [Chapter 7] by Dr. Muhammad Ali Al-Hashimi
http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/humanrelations/womeninislam/idealmuslimah/chapter7.html
Advice on Establishing an Islamic Home - Sheikh Muhammad Salih al-Munajjid
http://www.darussalam.com/product_info.php?cPath=13&products_id=468