Aren't you trying?ِ [Archive]

Abuz Zubair

8th May 2007, 12:04 PM

So you've been married for about two years and Allah hasn't yet decided to bless you with a newborn; This is a typical question you get asked by your relatives, who instantly think there is something wrong with you.

"Why don't you get yourself medically checked?"

"May be your wife needs an operation"

For Allah's sake! Isn't it Allah who decides WHEN to bless a person with a newborn? And what kind of an embarassing question is to ask: "Aren't you trying?!" Why do you think he blinking got married for?!

Another type of mindset I hate is when people blame everything on the woman, if she doesn't produce!

I just stumbled upon a website with the following flash banner as attached:

"Islamic guidance for the one who's wife has delayed"

Why does the wife always have to delay? What if there is something wrong with the husband? What if its no one's fault and simply Allah's will?!

Some people get married and have kids after kids! Others only get a child after 10 years of marriage, due to no personal defect but only Allah's will!

Why can't people understand that?!

Yasir

8th May 2007, 12:37 PM

And what kind of an embarassing question is to ask: "Aren't you trying?!" I can't believe people don't get embarassed asking that!

لله ملك السماوات والأرض يخلق ما يشاء يهب لمن يشاء إناثا ويهب لمن يشاء الذكورأو يزوجهم ذكرانا وإناثا ويجعل من يشاء عقيما إنه عليم قدير
"To Allah belongs the kingdom of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills. He bestows female (offspring) upon whom He wills, and bestows male (offspring) upon whom He wills. Or He bestows both males and females, and He renders barren whom He wills. Verily, He is the All-Knower and is Able to do all things."

What if there is something wrong with the husband?The likelihood of that being the case, particularly for those that take Steroids in their youth, is high.

Abuz Zubair

8th May 2007, 12:51 PM

Here is a good response if you're ever asked this question:

(the word 'gay' here means 'happy', before anyone zaps me with his takfir gun)

Husain

8th May 2007, 01:13 PM

Why can't people understand that?!
Mentality, dear brother, mentality. When you have grown up in a society where each and every individual is thinking in a certain way or looking at things from a certain point of view, it will be difficult for you to think in a different way. This is quite normal, and - of course - paves the way for a number of injustices (in this case towards the weak gender).

And rest assured, my brother, unless you are an abnormal human being you have as well certain views engraved in your mentality that might be wrong... without being able to look at them objectively. This is human nature.

- Husain.

Abuz Zubair

8th May 2007, 01:17 PM

So true... and how often we forget our own mindset and blame others for narrow-mindedness.

But, brother Husayn, aren't you trying? ;)

Umm Ahmed

8th May 2007, 02:03 PM

lol @ wife has delayed. miskeena . I have had "haven't you got a baby in there yet ? *poke in the tummy*" " You haven't made a baby yet?"
I know couples for 10 years never had a child then went on to have six ! or those that have had one then it will be another 8 years before they had an other baby . It's Allaahs will true enough.

Husain

8th May 2007, 02:05 PM

But, brother Husayn, aren't you trying? ;)
LOL... errm... well, you picked the wrong one. Our third child is on the way...

- Husain.

Umm

8th May 2007, 02:07 PM

I can't believe people don't get embarassed asking that!

Personally, I have always seen it as a very crass comment to make.

Abuz Zubair

8th May 2007, 02:10 PM

LOL... errm... well, you picked the wrong one. Our third child is on the way...

- Husain.
Really?! Can't believe you've been trying! I thought you were....

Husain

8th May 2007, 02:23 PM

Really?! Can't believe you've been trying! I thought you were....
Guard your tongue, bro! ;)

- Husain.

juwairiyah

8th May 2007, 02:25 PM

Assalamo'alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh

Actually people are more busy with delving in matters that doesnt concern them .It's because of lack of islamic 'ilm.
If u're not married,they ask u why did'nt u get married or hav'nt u got engaged etc etc..
Once u get married they'll ask do u have good news ??
heh
SubhanAllah..may Allah guide us all ameen

Abuz Zubair

8th May 2007, 02:26 PM

lol... point being the question itself is as absurd as the response! :)

Yasir

8th May 2007, 02:27 PM

Our third child is on the way...Masha'Allah! You're still genderless (http://forums.islamicawakening.com/showpost.php?p=25914&postcount=6) though! ;)

Abuz Zubair

8th May 2007, 02:35 PM

Husain

8th May 2007, 02:45 PM

Masha'Allah! You're still genderless (http://forums.islamicawakening.com/showpost.php?p=25914&postcount=6) though! ;)
Aah... ok. Got it. Better now?

As fas as the topic is concerned, in view of the delicate topic, I am really surprised that such a question is so widely spread, especially among brothers and sisters coming from Muslim countries. Here in the West it is rather normal to talk about it, but in these countries there are still couples who have no clue what to do in their wedding night. Isn't it strange that you are asked this question by people coming from such a society?

- Husain.

Ibn Adam

8th May 2007, 02:51 PM

Some people are quite open about discusssing their difficulties publicly, even if they get their words mixed up in so doing. (http://sasjamal.muslimpad.com/2007/05/03/cold-showers/)

Abuz Zubair

8th May 2007, 02:51 PM

In the West it is normal to ask about it?! You don't live in East London do ya? :)

abu_ibrahim

8th May 2007, 02:54 PM

In the West it is normal to ask about it?! You don't live in East London do ya? :)

East London is ghetto. Where else in London can you find Pan stains on the walls?

Umm

8th May 2007, 02:55 PM

Some people are quite open about discusssing their difficulties publicly, even if they get their words mixed up in so doing. (http://sasjamal.muslimpad.com/2007/05/03/cold-showers/)

IbnAdam, I thought the same thing too when I read that post!

The worst case was a well-meaning single sister who would ask every married sister, if they had "something to tell her" (i.e. Pregnancy) Sometimes she would tell them to make more effort (!)

It got so bad, that sisters who were unable to conceive dreaded meeting her, and one sister burst into tears in front of me, telling me this sister had said to her "You new (generation of) brides have gone cold"

I spoke in a v tactful way to the offending sister, that Masha'Allah she is so excited for people to have babies etc etc, but [I]sometimes people can take offense. She really didn't see why.

The funniest thing was, when this sister married, all the sisters were waiting to ask her "Any good news?" They never got the chance though, as she had a baby 9 months after the nikah alhamdulillah. She probably thought that her theories were right all along.

Abuz Zubair

8th May 2007, 02:56 PM

Some people are quite open about discusssing their difficulties publicly, even if they get their words mixed up in so doing. (http://sasjamal.muslimpad.com/2007/05/03/cold-showers/)
well, this is sad for anyone, and I would hate to take this opporrtunity to mock him. May Allah give him kids, even if he prays to other than Him... hmm... thinking about it, did he trying praying to the Awliya?

Sas: O Awliya! Give me kids... and cheese...
Awliya: Why? Aren't you trying?!

Yasir

8th May 2007, 02:58 PM

I think most people mean well but they can just be simply over-inquisitive. They feel a need to ask about everything, “You’ve bought a new house, masha’Allah… How much did you say you earn again?” or some people ask brothers, “Is your wife expecting a boy or a girl?”

Ibn Adam, I was expecting an ideal answer to that question to be a “bukra, insha’Allah”!

Umm

8th May 2007, 03:00 PM

And what kind of an embarassing question is to ask: "Aren't you trying?!" Why do you think he blinking got married for?!

When I mentioned once to another sister how crude a question it is for sisters to ask childless couples, she seemed to think that I had taken a worse meaning from it than intended. "Some people don't mean it in that way, they mean, are the couple using contraception."

I said to her, "Even if that is what was meant - which I don't buy - ...that's not embarrassing to ask someone?!"

Yasir

8th May 2007, 03:04 PM

... thinking about it, did he trying praying to the Awliya?The sad fact is that a GP once said to me, “...there actually is some truth to when they say 'the saint/peer gave the child'” and he went on to relate an incident when he was working as a night-doctor and how a patient insisted she be taken to a local peer and not to A & E.

Abuz Zubair

8th May 2007, 03:07 PM

The sad fact is that a GP once said to me, “...there actually is some truth to when they say 'the saint/peer gave the child'” and he went on to relate an incident when he was working as a night-doctor and how a patient insisted she be taken to a local peer and not to A & E.
Well, I believe there is some truth to it...

the husband obviously couldn't make the baby, so the peersaab helped him out!

Husain

8th May 2007, 03:19 PM

In the West it is normal to ask about it?! You don't live in East London do ya? :)
What I meant is that this topic in general (i.e. sexual relationships) is not taboo here. It is normal to talk about it, contrary to Arab countries. That's why I find it surprising to hear a question like "Aren't you trying?" mainly from these brothers and sisters. I thought they would be too shy to ask about it.

- Husain.

Abuz Zubair

8th May 2007, 03:31 PM

What I meant is that this topic in general (i.e. sexual relationships) is not taboo here. It is normal to talk about it, contrary to Arab countries. That's why I find it surprising to hear a question like "Aren't you trying?" mainly from these brothers and sisters. I thought they would be too shy to ask about it.

- Husain.
Oh, yes... that's very surprising...

We are more liberal, yet we mind such questions.

They are more conservative, yet they are so liberal with such questions.

Odd, indeed.

Husain

8th May 2007, 03:40 PM

We are more liberal, yet we mind such questions.

They are more conservative, yet they are so liberal with such questions.
What about the brothers and sisters down there? Don't they mind being asked such questions? Don't the sisters feel embarassed?

Although, this is not the only strange habit relating to this topic. My hair is standing on end when I hear stories about mothers or mothers-in-law looking for blood stains on the bed sheet after the wedding night and brothers commenting on the supposed "glossy eyes" of the husband the next morning. Horrible. How is that matching the decent atmosphere in general?

- Husain.

juwairiyah

8th May 2007, 04:00 PM

Well, it depends who asks you this question. If it is a brother or a sister you know enough that he could ask you such questions out of concern, then it might not be a problem (and I am referring to: 'got married, yet?', and not 'aren't you trying?') the latter is too personal.

Assalamo'alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh

no those people whom I am talking about are not at all concerned,ask just out of curiosity *nosy ,nosy*

juwairiyah

8th May 2007, 04:05 PM

well, this is sad for anyone, and I would hate to take this opporrtunity to mock him. May Allah give him kids, even if he prays to other than Him... hmm... thinking about it, did he trying praying to the Awliya?

Sas: O Awliya! Give me kids... and cheese...
Awliya: Why? Aren't you trying?!

Assalamo'alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh

InshaAllah he does'nt pray to other than Allah in real life.

Allahualam

Abuz Zubair

8th May 2007, 04:29 PM

He does. Read this (http://forums.islamicawakening.com/showpost.php?p=18489&postcount=74), and if you wish, continue it on that thread.

Ibn Adam

8th May 2007, 05:12 PM

Controversial answers.

1mran

8th May 2007, 05:14 PM

Controversial answers.

:eek: .......

Ibn Adam

8th May 2007, 05:14 PM

Ibn Adam, I was expecting an ideal answer to that question to be a “bukra, insha’Allah”!

Very feasible.

Abuz Zubair

8th May 2007, 05:19 PM

Unfortunately, a very big problem in Saudi... there was an article on Arab News recently about how many Saudi girls fall in love with their drivers who is entrusted to drive them to and from work/school.

Very sad. Some of them think that their servants are actually their slaves.