wife doesn't listen

[Syfyan ibn Zain]

Salaam

(my other topic was deleted, I understand why though...)


My wife doesn't listen to me. .................................................. ......................................And that I should try to be more manly. Our background is slightly different, she is of working class background, I am of upper middle class. She finds it problematic. She finds my attitude problematic. She says its too 'girly' and 'unmanly' like. I feel offended sometimes, as I try to practice the footsteps of the holy prophet.

[Umm Ahmed]

Wa alaykum usalaam

Brother, speaking about your private intimate moments with your wife on a public forum is not the way to seek advice.

Approach someone in your community, show your wife the hadiths regarding the angels cursing your wife till the morning when she refuses intimacy. Who wants angels doing that.
Finally on a forum here we are only getting one side of the problem . Approach a shaikh InshaAllaah.

[Abu Ma'mar]

Wa Salamu 'Alaykum

Brother, i don't think this is the best place to ask these kind of things.

Try going to someone who you both respect like a family member or a local community leader or imaam etc

Its better to get advice while your both there insha Allah.

[Syfyan ibn Zain]

Wa alaykum usalaam

Brother, speaking about your private intimate moments with your wife on a public forum is not the way to seek advice.

Approach someone in your community, show your wife the hadiths regarding the angels cursing your wife till the morning when she refuses intimacy. Who wants angels doing that.
Finally on a forum here we are only getting one side of the problem . Approach a shaikh InshaAllaah.

She doesn't care about the hadith. She rejects the hadith.

[Umm Ahmed]

But you said your both praying all the prayers mashaAllaah, any reason for rejecting the hadith?

[morbius]

Mu advice to you would be:

Tell your wife that if she isn't happy she get out and find someone else, while you will find someone that likes you for what you are.

That's as manly as it gets.

[abufurqan]

as wr wb,

Brother shaytan is their to cause enmity and hatred between muslims, and especially more between husband and wife so that they divorce
(auoothubillah). To separate would be a last resort after all efforts have failed. The prophet(saw) said there are three cases when a muslim can lie ( speak indirectly from the issue), one of those cases is when trying to reconcile a husband and wife. This shows you the importance of trying to keep a marriage together. I DONT KNOW MUCH ABOUT your situation and wouldnt want you to divulge all on a public forum. My sincere advice brother from personal experience of those i know is:-

1. be patient, remember the hadith of r(saw) says the woman is like a rib-bone, if you try to straighten it too much it will break, but if you do it with care, slowly it will straighten, try giving advice calmly, slowly. when she does something that upsets you tell her softly, but be firm.

2. try to pray together, eating together, attend classes/circles together, this will build the love. If she doesnt want to do things or doesnt listen, leave her( to an extent as long as she not doing kufr, shirk etc) and do it by yourself, show her by example.

3. don't push too much complaints or hadiths down her throat as this may lead her to commit kufr by rejecting or mocking the deen in anger. Also dont be too lienient to let her do whatever she wants you to do or whatever she wants to do herself, but be just on both sides, we are balanced in all matters.

4. if things are still failing, try getting one trustworthy family member from each side to a meeting place, and intercede between the two of you.

5. lastly, as my fellow brothers and sisters have alreadly said on the forum, get a trustworthy scholar who specialises in these cases to help you.
:)
wallahu a'lam

may allah help ease your problems and reconcile you and your family, and any other muslims in similar situations. any good i have said is from allah, and any mistakes and evil is from myself.

[Syfyan ibn Zain]

But you said your both praying all the prayers mashaAllaah, any reason for rejecting the hadith?

Yes she prays but she says the hadith are fake. She disses Imam Bukari.

[Syfyan ibn Zain]

I'm finding it hard, she says stupid things like am not man enough and that I can't control her, and that she controls me. I just want her to move away from her mothers house. Then I would show her who the man is, I just don't want her to run off to her moms house if I beat her for her ill-conduct. I'm thinking if I hit her she might run off to her mothers house, her family are not very Islamic and don't understand the concept of disciplining the wife in Islam.

[Umm Ahmed]

What do you mean by discipling your wife , and how do you define beating ? you can only do what Islaam dictates, other than that is extremism.

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they (spend) to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allaah and their husbands) and guard in the husband’s absence what Allaah orders them to guard (e.g., their chastity, their husbands property, etc.). As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great.” [al-Nisa’ 4:34].

The Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No believing man should hate a believing woman: if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will like another.” (Reported by Muslim, 36).

[Umm Ahmed]

Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “Forsake her in her bed, and if she mends her ways (this is good), but if not, then Allaah has given permission for you to hit her in a way that is not painful.” The husband must be careful to ensure that his hitting is for the purpose of discipline and warning, and not for any other purpose, so he must make sure that he hits as lightly as possible, by prodding with the fist and so on. ‘Ata’ said: “I said to Ibn ‘Abbaas: “What is the hitting that is not painful?” He said, “The siwaak (tooth-stick) and so on.” (i.e., hitting with the siwaak).

[abu imaan an-nepalee]

the most unmanly thing to do would be to beat her brother.

[morbius]

I am really curious about how this beating with a tooth-pick is supposed to accomplish anything. :D

[Hamza]

I just want her to move away from her mothers house. Then I would show her who the man is, I just don't want her to run off to her moms house if I beat her for her ill-conduct. I'm thinking if I hit her she might run off to her mothers house, her family are not very Islamic and don't understand the concept of disciplining the wife in Islam.

Maybe she was right about you.

[Haaji_Abubakr]

Akhi I've witnessed this type of situation before. You should ask her about her previous relationships and what type of relationship she had with her father and how her father treated her mother. Sometimes traumatic events change the way our brain works and we become attracted to things that have harmed us in the past (this is based on what I've heard from modern science today so take it if you want).

One of my closest friends was having this trouble with his wife. She was in a abusive lifestyle in which she was beaten repeatedly by the male figures in her life for various reasons (I'm talking about serious abuse her, not with a miswak or something). In her relationship with my friend she would constantly try her hardest to make him angry to the point in which he would explode. Alhamdullilah, the brother realized that she in fact was doing this purposefully and he confronted her about it. He asked why she wants him to beat her. She denied it at first but then admitted that the male figures in her life had always been abusive and that somehow she didn't feel as if he was man enough for not beating her.

If that's the situation you're in then I recommend going to an 'alim but if you're both not comfortable about that now then try to work through this problem.

Insha Allah remain patient and next time bring a serious issue like this to a learned scholar that understands your cultural backgrounds, whatever they may be. I wouldn't recommend forums for marital problems.

[IbnShaykh]

Maybe she was right about you.

Ackhi have mercy and kindness for our brother, a woman especially his wife casting doubts on his manhood is a painful thing. For many men this would be painful and would perhaps lead to other issues so please ackhi think of this before we speak on these issues.

[Abuz Zubair]

1) If a woman rejects hadeeth and cusses al-Imam al-Bukhari, I don't see any reason in the man staying with her. He should rather be without her before she bears him any children.

2) Under no circumstances can a man beat up his wife and then think he is being manly.

3) Do not take advice on marriage issues from anonymous ppl off the net who you do not even know. Go with your wife to someone who can personally give the two of your religious advice.

We cannot judge your wife based on your words, and vice versa.

[Hamza]

Ackhi have mercy and kindness for our brother, a woman especially his wife casting doubts on his manhood is a painful thing. For many men this would be painful and would perhaps lead to other issues so please ackhi think of this before we speak on these issues.

OK bro but my point was spelt out by AZ:

2) Under no circumstances can a man beat up his wife and then think he is being manly.

[Adem Al-Albani]

Divorce her. Problem over.

[anam]

or add another -

May Allaah make it easy for you and guide your wife to goodness.

Imaam Ahmed (may Allah Most High have mercy upon him) has said “Whosoever rejects the hadeeth of the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam) is on the brink of destruction”
Ishaaq ibn Raahuwayh said: “Whosoever has received information from the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam) confirms its authenticity and then rejects it without knowledge (i.e evidence to the
contrary) is a disbeliever (kaafir).”

Abu Muhammad Al-Barbahaari stated in his Sharhus-Sunnah “If you hear a man who discredits the
traditions and does not accept them or he denies something of the information from the Messenger of
Allah (sallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam), then doubt his Islam for he is a man of the vilest thought and speech.
He is in fact discrediting the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam) and his Sahaabah.”

[anam]

Actually adding another might cause more problems [although it may solve some]

[JayshAllah]

My gosh, the last people on the ends of the earth that I would take MARITAL advice from would be the Islamic Awakening crowd! I'm not saying that you can't ask for advice on a forum, but just NOT THIS ONE. There are just too many robots on this forum. What I mean by robots is, they don't seem like real life people but rather just personas, i.e. 16 year old kids acting like they have wi-fi access on the front lines of Chechnya.

But in any case, dear brother, I must advise against beating your wife! What in the WORLD will that accomplish!? She has some very deviant views about Islam. Do you really think that you can change someone's viewpoints by beating them????

Ironically, it is the same hadeeth that she rejects which says that you should not beat her...since the Prophet [s] implied in hadeeth that the worst of you are those who beat their wives.

Personally, I think that the beating clause is only there for wives who go become strippers or do things like that...but anyways ,that's a conversation for another time...

Right now, it should be known that you cannot change someone's viewpoints by beating her!

You know, her rejection of hadeeths is severely deviant...I've heard it is kufr, but not sure...nonetheless, before we label her with a kufr label, I think she should be warned and educated...

Whatever the case, you should solve this problem BEFORE you have kids. If she continues to reject hadeeths, then I think this is grounds for immediate divorce. And you should do that in order to save yourself from a lifetime of crying.

Nonetheless, like brother Abu az-Zubayr said, we just know your side of the story, not hers.

Fi Aman Allah

[Adem Al-Albani]

Like I said, divorce her. It really would solve your problems.

Jaysh, are you married? If not, it wouldn't make sense for him to take advice from you either.

If she truly does reject the ahadeeth, she truly is a kaffir, making your sexual relations with her Zinna. Divorce her and find yourself a good Muslim girl with akhlaq and adab.

[Abandoned-Mind]

Shaykh al-Albaani has spoken. "Ka-Las!".

[Adem Al-Albani]

Shaykh al-Albaani has spoken. "Ka-Las!".

lol mashaaAllah.

HayyakAllah

[Magoo]

Like I said, divorce her. It really would solve your problems.



that sums it up perfectly, if shes disobedient to allah, divorce her.

[abumuwahid]

I think Sufyan (OP) is just an attention seeking rodeo clown. I mean , who joins a forum and then the first thing he does is to reveal intimate details about his wife. And then, if that's not enough, he threatens to beat her. Why not go to your local Imam for advice or make a phone call to a sheikh, anywhere in the world. He says that he is upper middle class. My left small toe has more class than him. People with class simply do not lower their prestige by asking such type of questions on an internet forum.

[Hamza]

There are just too many robots on this forum. What I mean by robots is, they don't seem like real life people but rather just personas, i.e. 16 year old kids acting like they have wi-fi access on the front lines of Chechnya.

LOL, witty aint we!?

We also have the opposite - defeatist ************

[rambant]

She finds my attitude problematic. She says its too 'girly' and 'unmanly' like.

Are you too girly? Be honest now. Girliness in a man is (in my opinion) one of the worst thing ever. If my husband turned out to be a ponce I'd probably smother him in his sleep... or be inclined to anyway.

[JayshAllah]

Jaysh, are you married? If not, it wouldn't make sense for him to take advice from you either.

It is not necessary that one has to be married in order to give advice that is general in nature.

If she truly does reject the ahadeeth, she truly is a kaffir, making your sexual relations with her Zinna. Divorce her and find yourself a good Muslim girl with akhlaq and adab.

I think that she should first be warned and cautioned. If she persists, and he is sure of her kufr, then the matter is as you said.


We also have the opposite - defeatist ************

I blame you for this one, Bro Abu az-Zubayr. :mad: :cool: :p

[Abu Malik al-Maliki]

This topic is very fake. Syfalian Bin Zain or whatever his name is clearly is not married, and is making this up [snip]

[abumuwahid]

as I try to practice the footsteps of the holy prophet.

Of course this topic is fake. I mean, who practices the footsteps of the holy prophet.

Time to read between the lines.

[JayshAllah]

Of course this topic is fake. I mean, who practices the footsteps of the holy prophet.

Time to read between the lines.

One could easily assume the same about you and your posts.