The true reality of marriage

Discussion in 'Marriage' started by ayub57, Sep 5, 2012.

  1. ayub57

    ayub57 Well-Known Member

    Ibn Taymiyyah (رحمه الله) reported in Majmoo' al-fataawa that Umar ibn al-Khattaab (رضي الله عنه) said: "Marriage is slavery, so be careful in regards to whom you give your daughters to." And the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said: "I urge you to treat women well, for they are prisoners with you." (Tirmidhi)
    Belal, JMC, Yunus(nickname) and 11 others like this.
  2. 'Abd al-Kareem

    'Abd al-Kareem Scaffolding

    Jazak Allahu khayran but marriage in Islam needs to be understood as a whole. Someone seeing just these two narrations and nothing else will get a very wrong impression.

    I don't think it's a good idea to call this 'the true reality of marriage' due to that, wAllahu A'lam.
  3. ayub57

    ayub57 Well-Known Member

    No doubt brother, this is just the start of the thread. More posts to follow iA.

    الله يبارك فيك
  4. Rasmalai

    Rasmalai Well-Known Member

    I should stamp this on the foreheads of brothers who prattle on about marriage... during sweltering summer days...
    The.Joshua.Redux likes this.
  5. Abu'l 'Eyse

    Abu'l 'Eyse Rep-manz

    Shaykh headache al-everydayee said:

    "marriage is like my name"
    ibnIbr4h33m, Umm 'Aishah, A.H and 7 others like this.
  6. Wild Wild West

    Wild Wild West لا تعتذر اليوم

    Is marriage a word or a sentence?
    Belal, abumuwahid, Abu Sayyid and 5 others like this.
  7. ayub57

    ayub57 Well-Known Member

    Both husband and wife have to be patient and put up with one another, because everyone makes mistakes, and the one with whom you have to be patient with the most is the one with whom you live and interact with most. Neither party should resort to tit-for-tat reactions. If one spouse sees that the other is very angry, he or she should restrain his or her own anger, and not respond immediately. For this reason Abul-Darda' said to his wife: "If you see me angry, calm me down, and if I see you angry, I will calm you down, otherwise it will be too difficult to live together."
    Yunus(nickname), leo, Viking and 5 others like this.
  8. Striving4Sunnah

    Striving4Sunnah Musrayaaa

    UmmKids likes this.
  9. Abu'l 'Eyse

    Abu'l 'Eyse Rep-manz

    Both rofl!!!!!!
    leo and The.Joshua.Redux like this.
  10. Perseveranze

    Perseveranze لا إله إلا الله

    Asalaamu Alaikum,

    I don't know the authenticity of this narration, Inshallah someone can confirm, but it's very nicely put;

    [HR][/HR]It was narrated that a man consulted ‘Umar ibn Al-Khattab, may God be pleased with him, about divorcing his wife and ‘Umar said to him: “Do not do so.”

    “I do not love her,” the man argued.

    ‘Umar may Allah be pleased with him said, “Are families built only on love? Where is, then, mutual care and the maintenance of rights and duties?”

    [Fi Thilaal Al-Quranby Sayyid Qutb][HR][/HR]
  11. ayub57

    ayub57 Well-Known Member

    قد روي عن عمر بن الخطاب رضي الله عنه أنه جاءه رجل يريد تطليق امرأته ، فلما سأله عمر عن السبب : قال : إنه لا يحبها ! فردَّ عليه عمر رضي الله عنه : وهل لا تُبنى البيوت إلا على الحب ؟ فأين الرعاية وأين التذمم؟
    أورده في كنز العمال
  12. Soul

    Soul Banned

    the devil always like the break up the marriage by putting evil vodoo witch craft on the wife and making her sound like a wife from hell....
    muslimah911 likes this.
  13. Abu'l 'Eyse

    Abu'l 'Eyse Rep-manz

    This is true may Allah ta'ala protect us from that! Ameen!

    And sometimes they do really seem that bad too! May Allah ta'ala protect us from that! Ameen!

    Same applies to both men and women not just women
    leo and The.Joshua.Redux like this.
  14. Umm DJ-N

    Umm DJ-N Patience

  15. Muslim1

    Muslim1 Active Member

    Al salam alaikum wa rahmatu ALLAHi wa barakatuhu Muslims

    constant talk like that (some comments) make me not want to get married.
    is it seriously a surprise people prefer bf/gfs todays instead of wifes nd husbands
    wurood and as-Sabiraat like this.
  16. Viking

    Viking Active Member


    'Umar ibn al-Khattab (RA) said that a man came to his house to complain about his wife. On reaching the door of his house, the man heard 'Umar's wife shouting at Umar and reviling him. Seeing this, he was about to go back, thinking that 'Umar himself was in the same position and, therefore, could hardly suggest any solution for his problem.

    'Umar (RA) saw the man turn back, so he called him and inquired about the purpose of his visit. He said that he had come with a complaint against his wife, but turned back on seeing the Caliph in the same position. 'Umar (RA) told him that he tolerated the excesses of his wife for she had certain rights against him.

    Umar (R.A) said, "Isn't it true that she prepares food for me ?, washes clothes for me ? and suckles my children ?, thus saving me the expense of employing a cook, a washerman and a nurse, though she is not legally obliged in any way to do any of these things ? Besides, I enjoy peace of mind because of her and am kept away from indecent acts on account of her. I therefore tolerate all her excesses on account of these benefits. It is right that you should also adopt the same attitude."
  17. ayub57

    ayub57 Well-Known Member

    The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) used to show a great deal of love and affection towards his wives. Ai'shah (ra) the beloved wife of the Prophet (saw) said that he would only enjoy his meals when she would sit next to him. They would drink from the same cup, and he would watch where she would place her lips so that he could also place his lips in the exact same place. And he would eat meat off a bone after she ate from it, placing his mouth where her's had been. (Muslim)
    The.Joshua.Redux, Muslim1 and Viking like this.
  18. Striving4Sunnah

    Striving4Sunnah Musrayaaa

  19. ayub57

    ayub57 Well-Known Member

    1. Faith:
    The most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds the couple.

    Since Islam is a way of life and not just a religion confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a Muslim's life. The frame of reference shared by the couple eases communication and sharing of values which is not possible in an interfaith marriage. It is highly recommended that faith play an important role in the developing a loving relationship.
    For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said, that even if a husband places a morsel of food in his wife's mouth, he gets a reward for this act and Allah increases the bond of love between them. So when we love each other for the sake of Allah WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH.

    2. Forgiving:
    When the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) asked his Companions 'do you wish that Allah should forgive you' they said, of course O Prophet of Allah. He responded, 'then forgive each other'.

    One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not stingy to forgive.
    If we expect Allah to forgive us then we must learn to forgive.

    3. Forget:
    When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us down or hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free.

    4. Forbearance:
    Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a pro-active frame of mind it brings us closer to Allah through Tawakul (trust) and reliance. We develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life's difficult moments. As Allah states in Surah (chapter) Al-'Asr:

    "Surely by time humans are at loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each other to the truth and counsel each other to Sabr (patience)."

    5. Flexible:
    Many couples un-necessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little.

    We should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They are their own selves with personalities, likes and dislikes. We must respect their right to be themselves as long as it does not compromise their Deen (religion). Being inflexible and not accommodating for individual differences leads to a very stressful and tense home atmosphere.

    6. Friendship:
    This aspect of marriage has three components.

    First is to develop a friendship with our spouses. The relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures.

    We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite of our differences. These are the aspects of friendship we should bring to our marriages.

    Unfortunately the only aspect that people think of bringing to their marriage which is highly inappropriate is the buddy scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband in a leadership role within a family. This requires a certain decorum, which cannot be maintained if the spouses consider each other as pals.

    This should not be taken to mean that the husband is a dictator, rather he is a shepherd who is responsible for and to his flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an enormous burden on the husband. Furthermore the children need to see their parents as friends but not as pals as this encourages disrespect.

    7. Friendly:
    Second aspect of friendship is to have friendly relations with in-laws. When couples compete as to whose parents are more important it becomes a constant source of grief. Much valuable time is wasted trying to convince, one another of whose parents are most desirable. It is better if we accept, that our spouses will not overnight fall in love with our parents just because we want them to. As long as they maintain friendly relations that are cordial and based on mutual respect we should not force the issue.

    8. Friends:

    The third aspect of friendship is our circle of friends. It is okay to have individual friends of the same gender but couples must also make effort to have family friends so that they can socialise together. If there is friction being caused by a certain friendship it must not be pursued at the expense of the marriage. Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) advised us to choose God fearing people as friends since we tend to follow their way. Friends should be a source of joy and not mischief.

    9. Fun:
    Couples that do not laugh together have to work on sharing some fun times. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) was known to play with his wives. A simple walk in the park can add much spark to the relationship. Taking up a sport together or watching clean funny movies is another way of sharing a laugh.

    10. Faithful:
    It is commanded by Allah that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a capital crime in Islam that is punishable by death. However there are various forms of unfaithful behavior prevalent among some Muslims.

    The most common form is maintaining friendships with the opposite sex over the boundaries set by Islam, and the misgivings of the spouse. The latest trend of Internet relationships is also contrary to Islamic Adab (etiquette) and is causing serious problems between couples. Once a sense of betrayal sets in, repairing that relationship is difficult. Another form of not being faithful is when couples betray confidences (trusts/promises). This is a trust issue and one when compromised eats away at the heart of a marriage.

    11. Fair:
    Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play fair. We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to be unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allah states in the Quran do not be unjust under any circumstances, even if they be your enemy, and here we are talking about our life partners and the parent of our children. To use words such as "never" and "always" when describing the behavior of the partner is unfair and puts the other on the defensive.

    10. Finance:
    One of the most common points of contention in marriages is money. Experts tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money.

    It is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious time and effort in developing a financial management plan that is mutually agreeable and is reviewed every six months or so. Preparing a budget together is also a helpful and wise way to handling household finances. It should be remembered that the wife's money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be considered family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the family

    11. Family:
    Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not well informed. This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage.

    Sometimes couples are naive about the changes that come in the lifestyle. This can cause in some cases depression and in some resentment and misunderstandings. One golden rule that must always be the guide is; that family comes first.

    Whenever there is evidence that the family is not happy or not our first priority it is time to assemble at the kitchen table and discuss with open hearts and mind.

    12. Feelings:
    Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others i.e. hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first.

    Couples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their spouse's feelings, they take them for granted and assume that the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people are more sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones. One must be ever vigilant and careful that they do not hurt the feelings of their spouses and if they invariably do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?

    13. Freedom:
    Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To consider the wife one's property is alien to Islamic concept of husband and wife role. The team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the team are free to be themselves. Freedom in the common western since is to be free to do as one pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow freedom to one's spouse is to be considerate of their needs and to recognise their limitations.

    14. Flirtation:
    A sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt (only) with your spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in their marriages by adopting special names for each other and secret communication styles.

    15. Frank:
    Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with each other. Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind with due consideration to the other's feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not frank it hinders in the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.

    16. Facilitator:
    When choosing our life partner, we must, as the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) advised, look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that their first and foremost goal is the pleasure of Allah.

    This commitment to Allah makes them an excellent facilitator for enhancing their partner's spiritual development. In essence, the couple facilitates their family's commitment to Allah and His Deen.

    17. Flattering:
    Paying compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouse's heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being stingy about compliments is actually depriving oneself of being appreciated in return.

    18. Fulfilling:
    To be all one can be to one's spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding experience. To be in love means to give one's all. The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.

    19. Fallible:
    It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose focus of the fact that we are fallible (not perfect/make mistakes) beings. When couples start to nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah is perfect.

    20. Fondness:
    So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for each other by [failing] to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their respective friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing activities are ways in which one can develop fondness.

    21. Future:
    Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their children. This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.
    Striving4Sunnah, leo and wurood like this.
  20. ayub57

    ayub57 Well-Known Member

    Be patient with in-laws

    A Sahabi (Companion) said to the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم), "O Messenger of Allah, I have relatives with whom I uphold the ties of kinship but they cut me off; I treat them well but they mistreat me; I am patient with them but they treat me in an ignorant manner." The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said, "If it is as you say, then it is as if you are stuffing hot ashes (in their mouths), and you will have with you (an Angel) from Allah to support you against them so long as you continue to be like that." (Muslim)

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